My Belonging

“My belonging”

A few weeks ago I was crying out to the Lord and I heard this phrase in my head. That I am looking for “my belonging”. I have mauled it over the past few weeks as I get ready to turn 40. Woah Nelly! I feel old.

I have wasted so many moments in hours and days wondering who I am and where I fit in and belong.

This is something that I have struggled with off and on in seasons. I feel different. I feel set apart. In high school when everyone was going out partying or to the mall or shopping I wanted to stay home with a book and just read. As an adult when there were girls nights, or mom’s night out I wanted to stay home with my husband and kids and relax.

I don’t think I’ve ever been very cool. Lol

Mind you I had friends, I had sisters in Christ, I had family that I loved so much. I still do. I don’t know why it’s always been hard for me to get out to socialize. I think in the self diagnosing world we live in I would probably be put somewhere on the spectrum and at the very least classified as a HUGE introvert. 

I can function when I am with others but the amount of energy drained in social settings is insane. I have known deep friendship and intimacy with the body that is so life giving even in the midst of the physical draining that is happening. I long for real deep relationships. I can shoot the breeze as they say but deep down inside I would rather real conversation and sharing real life struggles and victories. 

In the commitment to being a follower of Yahweh and as a disciple of Jesus, I have learned the importance of the body of Christ, His church, His people. 

I have learned that His Spirit that loves and dwells inside me longs for fellowship and life in the body. So on this journey I have learned to feed my spirit man more than my soul man(who always would rather stay home) and that it is good. 

A few years ago in obedience to the leading of our King we packed up all our belongings and moved our family across the country. There was a sense of mourning as we moved away from all our family and friends. We’ve never lived close to family. When Emma was about three months(almost 17 years ago) old we did this for the first time. I raised all our babies without family near. We were babies raising babies all alone but in obedience to King Jesus. But this last move went from 3-4 hours away to more like a several days away. Crazy hard; but also worth knowing we were obeying our Maker; but that is not what this story is about. 

We moved from the heart of flat Kansas to the mountains of Northern Idaho. The geography was different and so was the culture.  The 15 years we lived in Kansas were some of the most amazing years. We grew in ministry and in life. We went from 1 kid to 7 in eleven years. We found our groove.  I knew who I was as a disciple, wife, and mom. We were busy leading different house churches. We found our ministry name En Gedi. Our call was to be an En Gedi to the church.  A place of rest and a place to minister to the disciples of Jesus. We had a good support system and like minded people who were similar to us. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. But then I spent about the first year in the mountains letting the Lord tear down wrong ways of thinking. That my value wasn’t placed in the body on how well I perform. That God is no respecter of persons and that He loves His body in all their gifting. I think I spent years trying to be good enough not just for the body but for family and friends too (classic people pleaser). 

The year of mourning and breaking that happened that first year in North Idaho was worth every tear that I cried. After several wrong ways of thinking were torn away I knew who I was in Jesus in a deeper way that I hadn’t before. I wasn’t afraid to be me. Walking in ministry became one of my favorite things and I didn’t have to perform, I just had to be obedient. 

Before we left Kansas I had a dream that some mentors we had brought me a gift for my birthday. On the way they had found a tea set in the ditch and there were several cracked pieces but only one perfect tea cup. They gave me the good one and kept the cracked pieces for themself. I felt like this was the way of the Lord saying, take what I’ve given you here and leave the broken-parts behind.

There are no perfect parts here on earth. We are all just human and broken but put back together by the Master Potter. One day in heaven I look forward to being together with all the parts of the body even the broken ones who have been hurtful at times. I know I am not perfect either and I hope anyone who knows me can take the good and leave the bad behind as well. 

Back to the present-I am in Northern Idaho. Loving the mountains and seeing the Lord move.  I know who I am in the Spirit more than I ever have before but slowly as I got to know people I began to struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in. 

These people have what the Hebrew word called “Chutzpah”(sounds like Hoodspa). Someone with chutzpah is often used to describe one who pushes boundaries and defies social norms. They are bold and even brazen at times. They are brave.

Honestly, I’m in awe of them. Passionate people who live and love strongly. I admire them but then there’s me.  

I’m pretty chill and also love fast food occasionally. In fact I’m pretty sure I dreamt about a big mac last night.. some of you may say Yum and some of you may say yuck. I would most definitely say yum and then feel yuck about an hour after..lol

I also make most my meals from scratch but also love me some msg on occasion and shh don’t tell…even some things with red dye. Bless. 

I don’t know what my opinion is about all vaccines. I do know that after covid chaos I quit trusting the industry. I have to trust the Lord sustains us through all of it vaccinated or not.

My people eat way to many homemade cookies that are filled with white flour and processed sugar. 

I also make sourdough bread, bagels, english muffins, croissants, etc. etc. and have vegetables at every meal but you ask my kids if they want a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal, a sugar covered donut, or a happy meal and they’d all say heck ya they do. 

We love outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, and kayaking but we are not star athletes, more like from the “Out of breathe hiking society”.

I’m a hot mess express and I do not have my life together.

I don't even know what type of homeschooler I am. It just depends on the day. 

My personality doesn’t have strong opinions about very many things apart from Jesus Christ being the only way to Yahweh and for a long time I thought I was broken because of this. The enemy told me I was just not smart or strong enough to chase all these things or opinions, that I don’t belong with people who do.  

I think somewhere along the way I began to devalue myself. I didn’t know how to garden, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t clean eating enough, I don’t have strong opinions about things. I wasn’t smart enough. We moved here because of Jesus- not to seek asylum from bad government overreach. 

I didn’t know where I belonged as Becky.

So here I am. I am a 40 year old wife and mom to 7 kids who by all means lets her kids watch to much tv, loves gas station fried food, candy with red dye and processed sugars on occasion.

I love love the body of Christ. All of them. The ones I disagree with, agree with, the ones that go to traditional churches, the ones who go to small group or home churches and even the ones who don’t go anywhere because of past hurt or life being too hard and they don’t know where they belong. I love His church.

I love each of you in Jesus no matter your stance on church, politics, food, government, etc etc. 

I am not sure where I fit in this culture sometimes or even in this world. I am 40 years old and I still don’t know where I belong a lot of the time. I still feel like the odd ball in this world and in social settings. 

But I know who I am in Jesus and I know who He says I am. I am His.  

In a world with so many opinions and camps I am so thankful that He chose me to be His; and He chose me to love in the midst of so many people who are different than I am.  

This is 40. 

I am me.

My belonging is with Jesus. 

Not on my personality, struggles, stances on politics, or what I put in my mouth, my shape, size, number of kids I have, or where I worship. 

My belonging is with Jesus.

So is yours. 

I wonder if anyone else has struggled through life at times wondering where there belonging is? I sat with my wonderful husband this morning and we talked and cried together as we shared about how no matter where the Lord has taken us in all our years, no matter how hard, no matter how heartbreaking, every time we have longed for belonging it has pushed us to want and need Jesus more than we would without it. It is worth it. 

So I guess my encouragement would be that I am a 40 year old woman who has walked with Jesus for decades and still sometimes doesn’t know who I am. I still long sometimes for someone to understand me, I still cry because of unanswered prayers or because things just don’t seem fair. 

In every step of searching for my belonging, I long more for Jesus and pray you do to.

***After writing this a week or so ago I had a dream. In my dream there were a bunch of people all standing in an area. It wasn’t that they were together or in a crowd. It was like I was looking down and seeing all His people different shapes, sizes and ethnicities, everyone unique. 

Then I seen a light on each of their chest radiating His Light. All of sudden all of those lights that represent who they are as individuals in Christ turned upward. And all these people who were separate became One great light praising Yahweh and shining bright and glorifying Him in the heavens. From my aerial view I was overwhelmed by the praise of His church as one body made up of hundreds of other bodies. The light of His church and the power behind the praise of His people. You didn’t see the differences anymore but you all you could see was the glory and praise to our King..

This is who we are.

This is our belonging.