This is a little of what the Lord has been doing in my life of late. This is an excerpt from a letter I had written to a sister in Christ. I just wanted to say before you read to take heart in the fact that sometimes the Lord has to break some things in our lives in order to make them into something more beautiful! I feel this so much. After every season that I’ve been in that was full of storms and heartache, when the sun returns Christ becomes more glorious than I have ever seen Him before!. I am thrilled at all the breaking He has done in my life. I WANT AND NEED HIM MORE! It is well with my soul, my friend!
" The Call to accountability could not have come in better timing in affirmation to my heart and calling! I too have felt a necessity and burning for this kind of fellowship. Ryan has been praying about the Lord’s putting in him a desire to start a new work for the Kingdom. He had asked me to pray about it as well and I did, albeit halfheartedly. I just felt inadequate and to put it plainly too tired to even think about the work of it. Oh how selfish my little self can be! Whelp, the Lord has been revealing to me a lot of things or "platforms" in my heart that I’ve given satan a place to preach at me and not even know it. I am being broken for Him.
A few weeks ago I had a breaking of myself in my spirit for my children. It was just one of those really bad, hard days where I fought with my sweet little sinner Emma and just felt completely overwhelmed, inadequate, and exhausted. I let the enemy tell me I was unhappy staying at home and being here (
) and that he had conquered me. Oh how many times “I must needs” to be broken. So I did what I always do on these days, I threw a fit, a big ugly nasty fit. I cried, I whined, and I may or may not have thrown a few things (I should probably add that it was not one of my children ;) It’s funny to me how often I let myself get to these points before I cry out to God. In my own selfish sinful nature I have to get the “ugly” cry out of the way before I give it over and cry out to the Beautiful Maker and Redeemer of my sweet children and myself. (Breaking Point). In this one sweet instance of horrifying ugly Becky, the Lord revealed something to me that I have harbored in my heart so deeply hidden that I didn’t even know was even subconsciously or consciously there; or at least I had ever acknowledged it there. I AM A SELFISH BEING! Kansas
In this instance my selfishness being dealt with in my calling as a stay at home mommy. I love my children and would never ever want to leave them with anyone else everyday to go off to work for some other person that is not the nearest and dearest to my heart. I am so selfish and am ashamed to admit it but I love myself more than my children at times. I take care of their needs; spank them when necessary; try to teach them to do right; and where the proper place is to put their bodily fluids. But I realized that I could do all of this and still hold selfish desires and laziness in my heart.(to sit, relax, not play or hold them, not pray or shepherd them when I didn’t feel like it- some of the examples) Oh this was news to me. I prided myself in being a do-it-yourself lady. I have three kids, three and under and live away from all blood family and I can raise MY children all by MYself without any help. (Breaking Point) Can you hear my heart in this? I’m tired and exhausted and yet I still pride myself in doing it all alone. (sin sin sin stupid stupid stupid) I want to be better; I want to purposely be with my children. Not just to teach them right from wrong and take care of their needs but to shepherd their hearts and love them as my Father loves me. I want to let myself be a part of the body that the Lord has placed me in and not just try to do it alone. I NEED to be vulnerable to my sisters and brothers in Christ. I need to lay down my pride and let them weep, morn, have joy, and laugh with me.
Ok so we know the Lord revealed I’m selfish with my time with my children and prideful in doing it alone but I was still an awesome cookie cutter wife. I had NO selfishness in my heart toward Ryan. HA! And yet again a few weeks later…Breaking Point! The Lord revealed to me that I give myself some sort of entitlement in our house; an entitlement to be tired cranky and lazy with my husband because I gave birth to three kids and keep our home (semi) running smoothly. I mean shouldn’t Ryan bow down to me because I haven’t slept through the night in 3 years because I was either carrying or caring for the fruit of his loom. False. I realized that I am just filled with this hidden sinfulness and selfishness in my heart and I pray that the Lord would continue “weeding” my heart of these things.
When we were praying the other night and the Lord revealed to me that I am selfish in my relationship with my husband. I am cause division because of these sins I had this hidden so deep inside me for far too long. I want to follow the Lord’s call whatever it may be, whether to start a small group or giving up more of myself in some other way, it is the least that we could do for our Savior. I want to serve God and Follow Him and His Will. We have a great testament in our own personal lives of how awesome and amazing that this can be. But I thought I “needed” to be mentored by someone to take care of all my issues first before I could help anyone else with theirs, right? False. I might as well walk around with a binky in my mouth with a diaper on holding someone’s hand. NO, The Lord is calling and I WILL answer, whether it takes the ugly cry first or not. I would love to ‘as we are going’ thru this journey to become like the Word says “iron sharpeneth iron” with the body. I need this. I need more than comfortable relationships with people that do not challenge me spiritually. I need more breaking and more sharpening. Whether one helps with the breaking part or the Sharpening part, I do not care, for it is necessary. I can’t promise that there won’t be some ugly crying along the way but I do long for the growing together as the body of Christ, Specifically with our personal relationships with others in doing so being the Church, not just going to a meeting."
There is healing in confession. I encourage each of you to pray about a brother or sister in Christ that you could get together and be the church with on a regular basis. We are designed to do this. To love each other, help each other, build each other up and even give reproof to each other when necessary. We are His disciples! Let us be His disciples to one another.
With Love and Prayers-Becky