My days in the belly of whale.

Guys, it has been a hard summer. I feel like our family team/ministry ran a marathon at full speed just to get to the end of the marathon summer to cross that line and its time for school to start and fall is about here.  

I have noticed the past month or so that I had been struggling with my heart and attitude. I felt tired and frustrated with all the people/things that have been hard. I was tired of trying. I was tired of being Christ-like. I was grumpy. I was tired of injustice.  I just didn’t like people, not all people but the hard people. 

I was sharing with a sister one day and just flippantly said I feel like Jonah. When the lord called him to Nineveh he ran, the hid, he threw a fit. He didn’t like the Ninevites. They felt like a waste. The Lord caused a storm and sent a whale to swallow him up to get ahold of his heart. 

I needed a whale.

 

Time goes by and I can not get that out of my head. I cant stop thinking about how it took Jonah 3 days in the belly of the whale to come to a place of obedience and repentance and say yes to Jesus.  I know in my heart that I need to be in the “belly of a whale”. I know my own attitude has been similar to Jonah. But I was so tired. I am so tired,  

So I ask the Lord what is my whale. I do want Jesus more. I do want more of Jesus. I cant just change my heart. I do want to love like Jesus, to see all the people with a heart that loves them and want God’s best for them.

So I mercifully asked my family to throw me off the boat in the storm and trust Jesus to put me in the belly of a whale to renew my heart, soul, mind and spirit. They graciously(more than happy to) obliged. 

 

So I’m in my “whale”. (just happens to be a camper In the woods). I have 3 days, 3 days to grumble and complain to whine, to surrender, to hope, to obey, and to believe again.

Day 1:

I began on my knees telling the Lord how I feel about all the things, like He didn’t already know.  

I almost immediately heard His voice tell me, “The people are not the problem. The thing is not the problem. The person/people/thing might be a challenge in front of you but they are not your problem. Your problem is your eyes are on the challenge/challenging and not on me. “

Ouch. 

So good, but ouch.

Day 2: I’m struggling. I’m battling my flesh. I see and discern but they don’t and I feel attack and alone and defeated.  I pour out my tearful heart to a safe place who knows and loves me.  Then a sweet friend reminds me of Jesus. How Jesus works better than we can and it genuinely last. She reminding me that we are called to GO LOW.  UGH… ugly cry. There it is. There is my word for day 2-Go Low. But how can I go low if I am wanting to go up and desire more and more of Jesus?

I get this picture of me dragging someone with a rope. 

I’m yelling, “Come on! We have to go! Stop dragging your feet!” Impatiently pulling at them.

Then I see me get behind them, kindly encouraging them, “You got it! You can do it! You’re doing so good. Keep going, its gonna be so great!”

Ugh…..

I have to go low. I have to trust Jesus. I have to love. Who wants to follow someone who is nagging and yelling, throwing fits and shade(I’m particularly good at throwing shade)? No one wants that. 

I want to be more Jesus… more like Jesus. 

Day 3:

Ok ok ok ok ok…..Im starting to feel it in my bones. I’m starting to wake up a little. 

I spend time yelling to God. What started as a quiet prayer turned Into pacing in my whale belly and asking the Lord for all the desires in my heart. I’m screaming(literally) all my fears and surrendering to Him. If anyone was close to my camper they would probably thought I had lost my mind. I kinda did.

 

I’m yelling out, worship music is blaring.

I WANT JESUS. I WANT JESUS!  I WANT JESUS!!!!

HE IS HERE. HE CARES. HE SEES ME. HE WANTS ME. 

Jesus, Holy Anointed, Righteous One!!

JESUS!!

You’re Name is like honey on my lips. You’re Spirit is like water to my soul. 

My voice is hoarse, my body is perspiring, I’m sobbing.

I am broken but in the safest way. 

I don’t want to live life without Presence. I tell God how I fail at everything I do. How unsatisfying life is without HIM. I need Him! 

Comfort

Silence

Peace

I know I am going to screw up again, I know I am going to fail, I know I need Jesus everyday to help me. I can not walk without him holding my hand and sometimes carrying me and maybe have to spend some time in the belly off the whale to get ahold of my heart sometimes.

I needed to be broken and in the belly of the whale to find hope again in this season. I needed a shake down to obey and have a heart that is ready and willing to obey.

What about you? Do you have a Ninevah? Do you have a call you are struggling to obey?

I’m not special. I’m just a broken human who needs a Savior and surrender. 

I encourage you to find your whale, your place where the Lord can get ahold of your heart and you can have renewed hope and a spirit of obedience again. 

You can even borrow my “whale” if you want but it doesn’t even have to be a place. 

It could be a mindset, a fast, a sanctuary, something that takes you away from a normal to a place of pouring out to Jesus. 

My kids keep reminding me that Jonah didn’t have a bed or indoor plumbing but that is ok. The Lord got ahold of me just the same. 

I spent 3 days in the belly of the whale. 3 days of worship, prayer, and the Word. 3 days of not leaving the camper at all. My people came and went. Ryan and the kids all took time having 1 on 1 time with me. Most of them came and napped on the bed or couch at different times while worship played.  It was such sweet time for me, learning to be intentional in a new way with Jesus and with my kids and husband. What a gift the Lord gave me to put me in a place to call out to Him and surrender again to His call on my life. I don't have to do it alone though. I will have Him with me, whether in the belly of the whale, on a mountain, or deepest valley, at my worst or at my best, He is with me always.

Thank you, Lord, for my time in the whale.

Heart disease, Hashimotos, and a sticker book

Crazy how these three things have become such a big part of my life.  

When we moved to North Idaho a few years back I needed to establish care with a new doctor.  I have Hashimotos which is an autoimmune disease and regularly get my blood checked to make sure my numbers are stable, so finding a doctor was a priority for me.   When establishing new care the doctors always do a thorough check up.   

While listening to my heart my new primary told me I have pretty significant murmur and since it is on a major valve she wanted to get it checked out. I had been told a couple times during pregnancy that I had a pregnancy murmur. I guess you can get them when pregnant because your heart is working so much harder but it”s not usually a real concern and they resolve themselves after babies.  

I went to have an echo done and never heard anything back.  So I assumed everything was ok. 

Well..you know what they say about assuming, don’t ya……

I think it was like 7+ months later when I went in for just a routine visit for labs for Hashimotos. And I mention I never heard anything back from that Echo so I guess everything was fine.  

My doctor just looked at me and told me she couldn’t find any evidence that I had it done in my file.  They finally find the results and tell me that I am not fine. That the echo 7+months ago showed significant damage to aortic valve and I am in moderate stage heart disease and I have to go see a cardiologist asap. 

I’m in shock. The whole world stops for a minute.  I remember I was having our first “high tea” with my big girls what we call our devotion and prayer meeting when I got the call. 

All I knew was that a scan 7+ months ago showed that my heart was moderately damaged.  

So what was it now? Was I going to drop dead any minute.   I immediately called and scheduled with a cardiologist but it was a 3 and half week wait to get in.   

I just remember those 3 weeks being afraid constantly that I was leaving my husband and 7 kids. I was riding at one point with my 3 bigs and everyone was laughing.(teenagers are amazing.  Ours are hilarious and so fun to be with)  I just all of a sudden thought how long do I have with them? I don’t want to leave this.  

I know, super dramatic, but it was moments like this that happened continually for those 3 weeks of waiting. I cried and prayed often, I had people pray over me and felt ministered to but I still had to walk this out and that was a lot. 

I finally met with the cardiologist and he is baffled.  My heart is functioning well and my numbers are all good on blood test  They do an EKG. Why is my heart showing signs of damage?  He ordered a second echo(ultrasound on my heart) and this time he can see that I have what is called a bicuspid aortic valve.  Where they are supposed to be 3 flaps there are 2.  Two of the flaps are sealed together. This causes my aortic valve to not get a properl seal and causes back flow of blood which causes stenosis(damage). 

But the good news with the new echo (that was a better scan) my score went from moderate to mild.  It’s mild, moderate, and then severe. Mild is watch, moderate is watch closer, and severe is immediate open heart surgery to replace the valve.  

This was my 39th birthday when I found out. 

I just recently went back (it just happened to fall on my 40th birthday week=) for my year check up and had a new echo and my condition is stable. He said unless I have any symptoms I don’t have to come back for 3 years.  

That my heart valve is at the stage of 50 year olds [ouch!] and that I will need open heart surgery in 10-15 years to replace it. Cool cool cool cool cool

This is a genetic heart defect that I’ve had since birth and he was very reassuring that it was not my fault.

I’m still amazed after 7 kids and 39 years no one noticed.  But I also am so thankful that the Lord knew and I’m not sure I would have had or been advised to have so many kids if I knew earlier. Pregnancy is hard on your heart. 

God knew. He held me. He kept my heart beating. 

If anyone asked me what I got for my birthday all of last year I would have told them heart disease.  😂🤦🏼‍♀️ This year I might say a 50 year old heart.

So for the past year, I, in my anti-diet culture self have just strived to be a strong mom and been in a cycle of trying to be faithful with building muscle, strength, and cardio endurance.  I know myself well enough to know I can’t focus on diets or scales (I don’t even have one) or how I look but it needs to be on how I feel in obedience.  I will never be tiny.  If I may say “baby got back” but my husband likes it. I just want to feel strong and be strong for kids and grandkids someday.  

I have a really good friend who had a brilliant idea of buying a sticker by number book.  So every time you work out, or go for a walk, or hike, bike, kayak, etc; you get to put a sticker on. When you finish a page you can frame it and put it on the wall. 

She bought both of us one. 

I must still be in elementary school with my 50 Year old heart because I am highly motivated by stickers. I’m on my fourth page now and it will hang next to these.  

I’ve not been able to tell in the way I look but by walking in faithfulness and obedience I’m beginning to feel stronger and better. 

I highly recommend getting your self a sticker book if you are motivated like a child. Haha

I share this because I was thinking about it and laughing (like I often do) at myself and how I love adding stickers to my chart and it just hit me how being a disciple of Jesus can be similar.

The blood of Jesus has paid the price for our sins.  We are sealed with the Holy Spirit as the bride of Christ.  And no matter how we fail or what we don’t accomplish, God doesn’t come peal off our stickers of accomplishments. He loves us and is so proud of us and our “sticker page” whether 5 stickers or 50--it's all His reward because of His blood.  

But hear me out disciples of Jesus.  We get to choose the picture we make here.  This isn’t a works based ideology. Our price and sanctification comes from the blood. But the choices we make on earth will testify with how beautiful the picture is here. 

Ex: I spend time in the word and prayer because I love Jesus and it helps me everyday to give my day to him; it makes my day more beautiful, not always easy but beautiful. But when I don’t give my days to Him and only live for myself it doesn’t mean I’m loved less. It just means that I see less beauty, peace, and joy.

Or if Ryan comes home from work and just checks out on his phone and isn't present to spend time with family that day, It doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good dad. He is still loves us and is an amazing dad and husband but he misses the beauty of that picture (or sticker) that day. 

We get to choose what the picture of our life is; what we invest our time and attention to; what we love the most; or what it looks like as a disciple of Jesus. He has redeemed us and we choose Jesus everyday because our life is better when we do. Our picture is glorifying to Him. We get to be a part of creating a beautiful picture in Him. 

But he doesn’t punish us or take a sticker away when we fail. 

And We will fail. 

I’m so thankful that Jesus doesn’t peal away my stickers when I fall.  I’m so thankful he doesn’t peal away my stickers when I’m grumpy, disobey, gain a pound, or check out. He sees the full picture of His life for me when He sees me. And I want to live everyday for Him so I can see glimpses of that beauty along the way.  

My goal in life isn’t just a sticker page filled with stickers; it is to live a life with Eyes Wide Open and a heart that is a little broken but held by the Father. I want to see His goodness everyday. I want to be a beautiful picture and a sweet aroma to the King. I want Presence and to be present to see it; and be a paintbrush in the hand of the most magnificent artist.

He has a masterpiece for you too.

My Belonging

“My belonging”

A few weeks ago I was crying out to the Lord and I heard this phrase in my head. That I am looking for “my belonging”. I have mauled it over the past few weeks as I get ready to turn 40. Woah Nelly! I feel old.

I have wasted so many moments in hours and days wondering who I am and where I fit in and belong.

This is something that I have struggled with off and on in seasons. I feel different. I feel set apart. In high school when everyone was going out partying or to the mall or shopping I wanted to stay home with a book and just read. As an adult when there were girls nights, or mom’s night out I wanted to stay home with my husband and kids and relax.

I don’t think I’ve ever been very cool. Lol

Mind you I had friends, I had sisters in Christ, I had family that I loved so much. I still do. I don’t know why it’s always been hard for me to get out to socialize. I think in the self diagnosing world we live in I would probably be put somewhere on the spectrum and at the very least classified as a HUGE introvert. 

I can function when I am with others but the amount of energy drained in social settings is insane. I have known deep friendship and intimacy with the body that is so life giving even in the midst of the physical draining that is happening. I long for real deep relationships. I can shoot the breeze as they say but deep down inside I would rather real conversation and sharing real life struggles and victories. 

In the commitment to being a follower of Yahweh and as a disciple of Jesus, I have learned the importance of the body of Christ, His church, His people. 

I have learned that His Spirit that loves and dwells inside me longs for fellowship and life in the body. So on this journey I have learned to feed my spirit man more than my soul man(who always would rather stay home) and that it is good. 

A few years ago in obedience to the leading of our King we packed up all our belongings and moved our family across the country. There was a sense of mourning as we moved away from all our family and friends. We’ve never lived close to family. When Emma was about three months(almost 17 years ago) old we did this for the first time. I raised all our babies without family near. We were babies raising babies all alone but in obedience to King Jesus. But this last move went from 3-4 hours away to more like a several days away. Crazy hard; but also worth knowing we were obeying our Maker; but that is not what this story is about. 

We moved from the heart of flat Kansas to the mountains of Northern Idaho. The geography was different and so was the culture.  The 15 years we lived in Kansas were some of the most amazing years. We grew in ministry and in life. We went from 1 kid to 7 in eleven years. We found our groove.  I knew who I was as a disciple, wife, and mom. We were busy leading different house churches. We found our ministry name En Gedi. Our call was to be an En Gedi to the church.  A place of rest and a place to minister to the disciples of Jesus. We had a good support system and like minded people who were similar to us. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. But then I spent about the first year in the mountains letting the Lord tear down wrong ways of thinking. That my value wasn’t placed in the body on how well I perform. That God is no respecter of persons and that He loves His body in all their gifting. I think I spent years trying to be good enough not just for the body but for family and friends too (classic people pleaser). 

The year of mourning and breaking that happened that first year in North Idaho was worth every tear that I cried. After several wrong ways of thinking were torn away I knew who I was in Jesus in a deeper way that I hadn’t before. I wasn’t afraid to be me. Walking in ministry became one of my favorite things and I didn’t have to perform, I just had to be obedient. 

Before we left Kansas I had a dream that some mentors we had brought me a gift for my birthday. On the way they had found a tea set in the ditch and there were several cracked pieces but only one perfect tea cup. They gave me the good one and kept the cracked pieces for themself. I felt like this was the way of the Lord saying, take what I’ve given you here and leave the broken-parts behind.

There are no perfect parts here on earth. We are all just human and broken but put back together by the Master Potter. One day in heaven I look forward to being together with all the parts of the body even the broken ones who have been hurtful at times. I know I am not perfect either and I hope anyone who knows me can take the good and leave the bad behind as well. 

Back to the present-I am in Northern Idaho. Loving the mountains and seeing the Lord move.  I know who I am in the Spirit more than I ever have before but slowly as I got to know people I began to struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in. 

These people have what the Hebrew word called “Chutzpah”(sounds like Hoodspa). Someone with chutzpah is often used to describe one who pushes boundaries and defies social norms. They are bold and even brazen at times. They are brave.

Honestly, I’m in awe of them. Passionate people who live and love strongly. I admire them but then there’s me.  

I’m pretty chill and also love fast food occasionally. In fact I’m pretty sure I dreamt about a big mac last night.. some of you may say Yum and some of you may say yuck. I would most definitely say yum and then feel yuck about an hour after..lol

I also make most my meals from scratch but also love me some msg on occasion and shh don’t tell…even some things with red dye. Bless. 

I don’t know what my opinion is about all vaccines. I do know that after covid chaos I quit trusting the industry. I have to trust the Lord sustains us through all of it vaccinated or not.

My people eat way to many homemade cookies that are filled with white flour and processed sugar. 

I also make sourdough bread, bagels, english muffins, croissants, etc. etc. and have vegetables at every meal but you ask my kids if they want a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal, a sugar covered donut, or a happy meal and they’d all say heck ya they do. 

We love outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, and kayaking but we are not star athletes, more like from the “Out of breathe hiking society”.

I’m a hot mess express and I do not have my life together.

I don't even know what type of homeschooler I am. It just depends on the day. 

My personality doesn’t have strong opinions about very many things apart from Jesus Christ being the only way to Yahweh and for a long time I thought I was broken because of this. The enemy told me I was just not smart or strong enough to chase all these things or opinions, that I don’t belong with people who do.  

I think somewhere along the way I began to devalue myself. I didn’t know how to garden, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t clean eating enough, I don’t have strong opinions about things. I wasn’t smart enough. We moved here because of Jesus- not to seek asylum from bad government overreach. 

I didn’t know where I belonged as Becky.

So here I am. I am a 40 year old wife and mom to 7 kids who by all means lets her kids watch to much tv, loves gas station fried food, candy with red dye and processed sugars on occasion.

I love love the body of Christ. All of them. The ones I disagree with, agree with, the ones that go to traditional churches, the ones who go to small group or home churches and even the ones who don’t go anywhere because of past hurt or life being too hard and they don’t know where they belong. I love His church.

I love each of you in Jesus no matter your stance on church, politics, food, government, etc etc. 

I am not sure where I fit in this culture sometimes or even in this world. I am 40 years old and I still don’t know where I belong a lot of the time. I still feel like the odd ball in this world and in social settings. 

But I know who I am in Jesus and I know who He says I am. I am His.  

In a world with so many opinions and camps I am so thankful that He chose me to be His; and He chose me to love in the midst of so many people who are different than I am.  

This is 40. 

I am me.

My belonging is with Jesus. 

Not on my personality, struggles, stances on politics, or what I put in my mouth, my shape, size, number of kids I have, or where I worship. 

My belonging is with Jesus.

So is yours. 

I wonder if anyone else has struggled through life at times wondering where there belonging is? I sat with my wonderful husband this morning and we talked and cried together as we shared about how no matter where the Lord has taken us in all our years, no matter how hard, no matter how heartbreaking, every time we have longed for belonging it has pushed us to want and need Jesus more than we would without it. It is worth it. 

So I guess my encouragement would be that I am a 40 year old woman who has walked with Jesus for decades and still sometimes doesn’t know who I am. I still long sometimes for someone to understand me, I still cry because of unanswered prayers or because things just don’t seem fair. 

In every step of searching for my belonging, I long more for Jesus and pray you do to.

***After writing this a week or so ago I had a dream. In my dream there were a bunch of people all standing in an area. It wasn’t that they were together or in a crowd. It was like I was looking down and seeing all His people different shapes, sizes and ethnicities, everyone unique. 

Then I seen a light on each of their chest radiating His Light. All of sudden all of those lights that represent who they are as individuals in Christ turned upward. And all these people who were separate became One great light praising Yahweh and shining bright and glorifying Him in the heavens. From my aerial view I was overwhelmed by the praise of His church as one body made up of hundreds of other bodies. The light of His church and the power behind the praise of His people. You didn’t see the differences anymore but you all you could see was the glory and praise to our King..

This is who we are.

This is our belonging.