My days in the belly of whale.

Guys, it has been a hard summer. I feel like our family team/ministry ran a marathon at full speed just to get to the end of the marathon summer to cross that line and its time for school to start and fall is about here.  

I have noticed the past month or so that I had been struggling with my heart and attitude. I felt tired and frustrated with all the people/things that have been hard. I was tired of trying. I was tired of being Christ-like. I was grumpy. I was tired of injustice.  I just didn’t like people, not all people but the hard people. 

I was sharing with a sister one day and just flippantly said I feel like Jonah. When the lord called him to Nineveh he ran, the hid, he threw a fit. He didn’t like the Ninevites. They felt like a waste. The Lord caused a storm and sent a whale to swallow him up to get ahold of his heart. 

I needed a whale.

 

Time goes by and I can not get that out of my head. I cant stop thinking about how it took Jonah 3 days in the belly of the whale to come to a place of obedience and repentance and say yes to Jesus.  I know in my heart that I need to be in the “belly of a whale”. I know my own attitude has been similar to Jonah. But I was so tired. I am so tired,  

So I ask the Lord what is my whale. I do want Jesus more. I do want more of Jesus. I cant just change my heart. I do want to love like Jesus, to see all the people with a heart that loves them and want God’s best for them.

So I mercifully asked my family to throw me off the boat in the storm and trust Jesus to put me in the belly of a whale to renew my heart, soul, mind and spirit. They graciously(more than happy to) obliged. 

 

So I’m in my “whale”. (just happens to be a camper In the woods). I have 3 days, 3 days to grumble and complain to whine, to surrender, to hope, to obey, and to believe again.

Day 1:

I began on my knees telling the Lord how I feel about all the things, like He didn’t already know.  

I almost immediately heard His voice tell me, “The people are not the problem. The thing is not the problem. The person/people/thing might be a challenge in front of you but they are not your problem. Your problem is your eyes are on the challenge/challenging and not on me. “

Ouch. 

So good, but ouch.

Day 2: I’m struggling. I’m battling my flesh. I see and discern but they don’t and I feel attack and alone and defeated.  I pour out my tearful heart to a safe place who knows and loves me.  Then a sweet friend reminds me of Jesus. How Jesus works better than we can and it genuinely last. She reminding me that we are called to GO LOW.  UGH… ugly cry. There it is. There is my word for day 2-Go Low. But how can I go low if I am wanting to go up and desire more and more of Jesus?

I get this picture of me dragging someone with a rope. 

I’m yelling, “Come on! We have to go! Stop dragging your feet!” Impatiently pulling at them.

Then I see me get behind them, kindly encouraging them, “You got it! You can do it! You’re doing so good. Keep going, its gonna be so great!”

Ugh…..

I have to go low. I have to trust Jesus. I have to love. Who wants to follow someone who is nagging and yelling, throwing fits and shade(I’m particularly good at throwing shade)? No one wants that. 

I want to be more Jesus… more like Jesus. 

Day 3:

Ok ok ok ok ok…..Im starting to feel it in my bones. I’m starting to wake up a little. 

I spend time yelling to God. What started as a quiet prayer turned Into pacing in my whale belly and asking the Lord for all the desires in my heart. I’m screaming(literally) all my fears and surrendering to Him. If anyone was close to my camper they would probably thought I had lost my mind. I kinda did.

 

I’m yelling out, worship music is blaring.

I WANT JESUS. I WANT JESUS!  I WANT JESUS!!!!

HE IS HERE. HE CARES. HE SEES ME. HE WANTS ME. 

Jesus, Holy Anointed, Righteous One!!

JESUS!!

You’re Name is like honey on my lips. You’re Spirit is like water to my soul. 

My voice is hoarse, my body is perspiring, I’m sobbing.

I am broken but in the safest way. 

I don’t want to live life without Presence. I tell God how I fail at everything I do. How unsatisfying life is without HIM. I need Him! 

Comfort

Silence

Peace

I know I am going to screw up again, I know I am going to fail, I know I need Jesus everyday to help me. I can not walk without him holding my hand and sometimes carrying me and maybe have to spend some time in the belly off the whale to get ahold of my heart sometimes.

I needed to be broken and in the belly of the whale to find hope again in this season. I needed a shake down to obey and have a heart that is ready and willing to obey.

What about you? Do you have a Ninevah? Do you have a call you are struggling to obey?

I’m not special. I’m just a broken human who needs a Savior and surrender. 

I encourage you to find your whale, your place where the Lord can get ahold of your heart and you can have renewed hope and a spirit of obedience again. 

You can even borrow my “whale” if you want but it doesn’t even have to be a place. 

It could be a mindset, a fast, a sanctuary, something that takes you away from a normal to a place of pouring out to Jesus. 

My kids keep reminding me that Jonah didn’t have a bed or indoor plumbing but that is ok. The Lord got ahold of me just the same. 

I spent 3 days in the belly of the whale. 3 days of worship, prayer, and the Word. 3 days of not leaving the camper at all. My people came and went. Ryan and the kids all took time having 1 on 1 time with me. Most of them came and napped on the bed or couch at different times while worship played.  It was such sweet time for me, learning to be intentional in a new way with Jesus and with my kids and husband. What a gift the Lord gave me to put me in a place to call out to Him and surrender again to His call on my life. I don't have to do it alone though. I will have Him with me, whether in the belly of the whale, on a mountain, or deepest valley, at my worst or at my best, He is with me always.

Thank you, Lord, for my time in the whale.