My Belonging

“My belonging”

A few weeks ago I was crying out to the Lord and I heard this phrase in my head. That I am looking for “my belonging”. I have mauled it over the past few weeks as I get ready to turn 40. Woah Nelly! I feel old.

I have wasted so many moments in hours and days wondering who I am and where I fit in and belong.

This is something that I have struggled with off and on in seasons. I feel different. I feel set apart. In high school when everyone was going out partying or to the mall or shopping I wanted to stay home with a book and just read. As an adult when there were girls nights, or mom’s night out I wanted to stay home with my husband and kids and relax.

I don’t think I’ve ever been very cool. Lol

Mind you I had friends, I had sisters in Christ, I had family that I loved so much. I still do. I don’t know why it’s always been hard for me to get out to socialize. I think in the self diagnosing world we live in I would probably be put somewhere on the spectrum and at the very least classified as a HUGE introvert. 

I can function when I am with others but the amount of energy drained in social settings is insane. I have known deep friendship and intimacy with the body that is so life giving even in the midst of the physical draining that is happening. I long for real deep relationships. I can shoot the breeze as they say but deep down inside I would rather real conversation and sharing real life struggles and victories. 

In the commitment to being a follower of Yahweh and as a disciple of Jesus, I have learned the importance of the body of Christ, His church, His people. 

I have learned that His Spirit that loves and dwells inside me longs for fellowship and life in the body. So on this journey I have learned to feed my spirit man more than my soul man(who always would rather stay home) and that it is good. 

A few years ago in obedience to the leading of our King we packed up all our belongings and moved our family across the country. There was a sense of mourning as we moved away from all our family and friends. We’ve never lived close to family. When Emma was about three months(almost 17 years ago) old we did this for the first time. I raised all our babies without family near. We were babies raising babies all alone but in obedience to King Jesus. But this last move went from 3-4 hours away to more like a several days away. Crazy hard; but also worth knowing we were obeying our Maker; but that is not what this story is about. 

We moved from the heart of flat Kansas to the mountains of Northern Idaho. The geography was different and so was the culture.  The 15 years we lived in Kansas were some of the most amazing years. We grew in ministry and in life. We went from 1 kid to 7 in eleven years. We found our groove.  I knew who I was as a disciple, wife, and mom. We were busy leading different house churches. We found our ministry name En Gedi. Our call was to be an En Gedi to the church.  A place of rest and a place to minister to the disciples of Jesus. We had a good support system and like minded people who were similar to us. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. But then I spent about the first year in the mountains letting the Lord tear down wrong ways of thinking. That my value wasn’t placed in the body on how well I perform. That God is no respecter of persons and that He loves His body in all their gifting. I think I spent years trying to be good enough not just for the body but for family and friends too (classic people pleaser). 

The year of mourning and breaking that happened that first year in North Idaho was worth every tear that I cried. After several wrong ways of thinking were torn away I knew who I was in Jesus in a deeper way that I hadn’t before. I wasn’t afraid to be me. Walking in ministry became one of my favorite things and I didn’t have to perform, I just had to be obedient. 

Before we left Kansas I had a dream that some mentors we had brought me a gift for my birthday. On the way they had found a tea set in the ditch and there were several cracked pieces but only one perfect tea cup. They gave me the good one and kept the cracked pieces for themself. I felt like this was the way of the Lord saying, take what I’ve given you here and leave the broken-parts behind.

There are no perfect parts here on earth. We are all just human and broken but put back together by the Master Potter. One day in heaven I look forward to being together with all the parts of the body even the broken ones who have been hurtful at times. I know I am not perfect either and I hope anyone who knows me can take the good and leave the bad behind as well. 

Back to the present-I am in Northern Idaho. Loving the mountains and seeing the Lord move.  I know who I am in the Spirit more than I ever have before but slowly as I got to know people I began to struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in. 

These people have what the Hebrew word called “Chutzpah”(sounds like Hoodspa). Someone with chutzpah is often used to describe one who pushes boundaries and defies social norms. They are bold and even brazen at times. They are brave.

Honestly, I’m in awe of them. Passionate people who live and love strongly. I admire them but then there’s me.  

I’m pretty chill and also love fast food occasionally. In fact I’m pretty sure I dreamt about a big mac last night.. some of you may say Yum and some of you may say yuck. I would most definitely say yum and then feel yuck about an hour after..lol

I also make most my meals from scratch but also love me some msg on occasion and shh don’t tell…even some things with red dye. Bless. 

I don’t know what my opinion is about all vaccines. I do know that after covid chaos I quit trusting the industry. I have to trust the Lord sustains us through all of it vaccinated or not.

My people eat way to many homemade cookies that are filled with white flour and processed sugar. 

I also make sourdough bread, bagels, english muffins, croissants, etc. etc. and have vegetables at every meal but you ask my kids if they want a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal, a sugar covered donut, or a happy meal and they’d all say heck ya they do. 

We love outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, and kayaking but we are not star athletes, more like from the “Out of breathe hiking society”.

I’m a hot mess express and I do not have my life together.

I don't even know what type of homeschooler I am. It just depends on the day. 

My personality doesn’t have strong opinions about very many things apart from Jesus Christ being the only way to Yahweh and for a long time I thought I was broken because of this. The enemy told me I was just not smart or strong enough to chase all these things or opinions, that I don’t belong with people who do.  

I think somewhere along the way I began to devalue myself. I didn’t know how to garden, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t clean eating enough, I don’t have strong opinions about things. I wasn’t smart enough. We moved here because of Jesus- not to seek asylum from bad government overreach. 

I didn’t know where I belonged as Becky.

So here I am. I am a 40 year old wife and mom to 7 kids who by all means lets her kids watch to much tv, loves gas station fried food, candy with red dye and processed sugars on occasion.

I love love the body of Christ. All of them. The ones I disagree with, agree with, the ones that go to traditional churches, the ones who go to small group or home churches and even the ones who don’t go anywhere because of past hurt or life being too hard and they don’t know where they belong. I love His church.

I love each of you in Jesus no matter your stance on church, politics, food, government, etc etc. 

I am not sure where I fit in this culture sometimes or even in this world. I am 40 years old and I still don’t know where I belong a lot of the time. I still feel like the odd ball in this world and in social settings. 

But I know who I am in Jesus and I know who He says I am. I am His.  

In a world with so many opinions and camps I am so thankful that He chose me to be His; and He chose me to love in the midst of so many people who are different than I am.  

This is 40. 

I am me.

My belonging is with Jesus. 

Not on my personality, struggles, stances on politics, or what I put in my mouth, my shape, size, number of kids I have, or where I worship. 

My belonging is with Jesus.

So is yours. 

I wonder if anyone else has struggled through life at times wondering where there belonging is? I sat with my wonderful husband this morning and we talked and cried together as we shared about how no matter where the Lord has taken us in all our years, no matter how hard, no matter how heartbreaking, every time we have longed for belonging it has pushed us to want and need Jesus more than we would without it. It is worth it. 

So I guess my encouragement would be that I am a 40 year old woman who has walked with Jesus for decades and still sometimes doesn’t know who I am. I still long sometimes for someone to understand me, I still cry because of unanswered prayers or because things just don’t seem fair. 

In every step of searching for my belonging, I long more for Jesus and pray you do to.

***After writing this a week or so ago I had a dream. In my dream there were a bunch of people all standing in an area. It wasn’t that they were together or in a crowd. It was like I was looking down and seeing all His people different shapes, sizes and ethnicities, everyone unique. 

Then I seen a light on each of their chest radiating His Light. All of sudden all of those lights that represent who they are as individuals in Christ turned upward. And all these people who were separate became One great light praising Yahweh and shining bright and glorifying Him in the heavens. From my aerial view I was overwhelmed by the praise of His church as one body made up of hundreds of other bodies. The light of His church and the power behind the praise of His people. You didn’t see the differences anymore but you all you could see was the glory and praise to our King..

This is who we are.

This is our belonging.

                                      

Laying it down and following Jesus

Recently I was sitting down with a dear sister sharing about my season in life. The Lord had recently moved me in a deeper way to let go of man’s approval that I have always struggled to look for. There have been layers of this I had grown in but this was a new revelation in my heart in season. 

I think we all have people that we look up to and care for and even some have wisdom that we can grow from; but I struggle sometimes along the way with putting some people on pedestals (and boy do those pedestals fall); and my own worth and value becomes based on their recognition or approval. 

Pitiful. 

I know.   

{In this moment as I was sharing I had a picture pop into my head.  There was a mountain in the distance and then there was Ryan sitting on the ground with this pile of sand. He was peacefully (like a child playing on a beach) building his pile and moving his sand around and there I was with a rope tied around Ryan trying to drag him to the mountain. In my heart I was saying, “Come on, Ryan!! We have to move the mountains to be a part of something bigger. We have to move the mountains for Jesus to belong and to be worthy in our lives and in the lives of others.” 

There I was pulling that rope as tight as I could and there was Ryan content peacefully abiding in Jesus without a care in the world for being on anyone’s bulletin board of most righteous for moving mountains for all to see. }

I recognized this feeling immediately. For years the Lord has humbled me. For years I have been jealous at different times of others who seemed to obtain favor of man when we worked hard for the same purposes. I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to have value in the sight of man. 

For years I watched Ryan lay down his life and say yes to Jesus and refuse with all that he is to perform for anyone. I’ve had people speak doubt and even tell me that he was just not quite there yet. That what he was doing wasn’t a pastoring because he didn’t get behind a pulpit and preach to people, like there was something that needed to be unleashed in Ryan and we were all waiting. 

Ryan was unmoved. He learned to close his mouth unless Jesus spoke, to wait, to listen. I was so frustrated in seasons because I knew the gift and the power of who Ryan is in Jesus and I wanted him to move the mountains. There was so much humbling that happened over the course of the years as we learned to lay down everything that we thought we could do for the Lord and we submitted ourselves to His Kingdom and not our own idea of the kingdom for the church. Ryan gave up his pulpit to sit at the feet of others, sharing life, love, and the testimony of the sweet gospel of Jesus and His Kingdom.  But he had to lay down himself first. 

Not many people know that Ryan was going to school to be an architect and the Lord told him to lay it down to go into ministry. He was top of his class. 

(Met and married me)

He moved to Kansas to plant a church for the denomination that we both grew up in (and that we still love) but the Lord told him what he was calling him to can’t be put into any box. So he laid it down. 

Ryan grew a business for 10+ years getting it to a place of success. Starting a construction business in a place where you don’t have roots is hard. It takes time to build clientele. We seen others who were from the area be able to jump start businesses while we spent years building ours and our work speaking for itself; but it did and we were finally booming. 

The Lord told him to lay it down, so he did.

Ryan spent 5 years building his family our dream home in his spare time while also working full time to pay our bills. We lived there less than a year and the Lord told him to lay it down, so he did. 

Through these seasons we grew a family. We said yes to Jesus. The Lord revealed our heart and His call for our ministry. We led and partnered in several home churches. I seen Ryan shine in Jesus. I seen him exhort his brother. I seen him fall in love with the church and the beauty of intimacy in ministering to the body in these settings. I would set many times in awe of this man who I accused of not wanting to move mountains with me and realized over and over that he was doing the great work of Jesus. He was washing the feet of the disciples of the Lord. He gave up standing in a pulpit to sit at the feet of the sinner(which we all are). 

I had viewed both of us for a long time as less than. Because we weren’t on the radar or on the bulletin board of the “greatest.” Because the great obedient work that we were walking in didn’t look like we were moving mountains in the kingdom. 

But Ryan was faithful. He was humbled and would humble himself over and over. I’ve seen him sit and talk to people about building science, business smarts, architectural design while wearing flannel shirts and tool belts or dress shirts and pants. I’ve also seen him sit and talk dungeons and dragons to people or science, politics and conspiracy with people. He is the smartest and manliest man I know but also knows how to be gentle and sweet and kind. 

He has learned the beauty of this verse- 

I Corinthians 9:22b 

“I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.”

I think that somewhere along the way, Ryan learned that His identity is in Jesus. It’s not in his skill or ability to charm people or gather a crowd. His identity is settled in his love for Jesus and his love to share His gospel and be the church. 

1 Thessalonians 2:4-9

“For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness. Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.

For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.”

I read this word this morning and it hit me in a new way. We have not come to please man but to be partakers in the gospel. I’m thankful for the layers the Lord is peeling from me in helping me grow deeper. And I’m so thankful for Ryan. His steadfastness to sit where the Lord has him and not try to please man and move mountains or to win others by your great works. 

So I’m letting go of that rope in a new way and I am going to sit with my man, my partner on this earth and bask in the Glory of King Jesus and His kingdom and play in the sand. We will be obedient to His word and not worry about what others say or think. We will be where the Lord has us and will know even when it looks minuscule to this world when it is in the name of Jesus and for Jesus it is moving mountains in the Kingdom. 

So I want to say whether you are a mountain mover or a sand shaker when you are obedient to King Jesus in your life you, my friend, you are doing Kingdom work. 

And you can sit with me any day. 

And to my dear husband, thank you for being steadfast. Thank you for saying yes to Jesus over and over. Thank you for laying down your life over and over for the glory of King Jesus. Thank you for not trying to live up to anyone’s expectations but King Jesus. Thank you for being you whether you sit at a king’s table or a at a paupers feet. Thank you for dying to yourself daily. Thank you that though you are far from perfect and make mistakes and get cranky and tired, you always always are quick to say sorry and repent. 

You are real. You are raw. You are beautiful. 

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL...(and when it isn't)

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL…. (and when it isn’t)

I wrote this about 6 months ago and felt stirred in my heart today to write but realized I never shared. I think the season on learning to believe the truth of these words in the classroom of life the past 6 months has really shaken me, to know in faith that He is good when I don't feel it in my circumstances of life. To say it is well with my soul when everything around us feels like a DUMPSTER FIRE! Thank goodness we live for a kingdom that we know will not be shaken, that will be made right and has already won the battles even we are a hot mess express and the world around us is falling apart..Cause it is ugly out there ya'll. 

I will stand and say it is good, It is well with my soul. I will look at the beauty of His creation and know that HE is good.

(continued.....)

I usually try to pray for a new word at the start of each year. I’m not a big resolution person but I love fresh vision. As I prayed for a word from the Lord all that kept coming to my mind is the phrase “It Is Well With My Soul”.  I pondered for many days on this. It has been over a year since we moved to Idaho. Last New Years this time we had just returned from our first visit back to family after moving. That was hard. We hadn’t started home church yet here and we had definitely made some connections but we hadn’t started gathering together as a body. Next week marks our 1 year anniversary of starting house church in Idaho. Jesus and His body make such a difference. It wasn’t as soul aching this time saying goodbye to family and friends because we had faith and able to see what the Lord was doing and His body is here in Idaho. The Lord has been so faithful and so sweet. It is nothing that we have done just Jesus fulfilling His purpose and plan. Why do we even doubt sometimes?  He has always been so faithful.  He always will be. 

So in comparison to last year at this time It WAS well in my soul on that drive home from the southern regions and midwest to our mountains. We had a life here, we had friends, a church, and people who are becoming family to us. 

But then it hit me-just a couple of January seasonally lows of dark days and cold weather. 

Unwellness of the soul…

Of thoughts on my parents aging and how time is going so fast. 

Of worries for my lost relatives who are running from the Lord. 

Of sickness that seems to be bountiful

Of my awkward self trying to be social in the midst of my own insecurities 

Of feeling alone while everyone is talking about new year’s goals or agendas

Of hormonal shifts where i just feel off and achy and exhausted and just low

Of longing for my kids to be able to play with their cousins

What about those days? 

What about when my brain can’t seem to sing in faith that IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL??

When we can’t seem to believe it is or see that it is. 

When we are walking through really hard things. 

When your husband is stressed and kids are crazy.

When finances don’t align themselves to give hope.

When marriage is hard.

When teenagers are struggling.

When toddlers run rampant and we can’t seem to breathe.

When our health fails and the world is shaky

I was taught that our soul is made up of our mind, will, and emotions-

I will be the first to say that my mind, will, and fo-sho emotions do not always align themselves in faith.  My dying flesh seems to fight against this often. There is a very real chemical fluctuation that happens in a normal body but add on to that chemical imbalance and you set yourself for a very real moment in time where your soul(mind, will, and emotions)will say IT IS NOT WELL! 

I’ve come to this conclusion over the past few weeks while I wrestle with the Lord in season that the Prayer and Call of God comes from deep within to know that IT IS well with my soul. I may not feel like my soul is well at times but His Very Real Spirit lives inside me and I can say that IT IS WELL, I dare say and even believe it will be well. But we know He who is in charge. We know He who writes the end of the story. WE know HE who we have faith in.

WE MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT IS WELL WITH OUR SOUL BUT WE KNOW HE WHO HOLDS OUR SOUL IN HIS HANDS.

I can be unsure of what the future holds because the future doesn’t rely on what my soul rest on(thank goodness) but it is completely in His hands. 

I can sing it is well with my soul because i am in/with Jesus. I may not believe/see it fully but i know in faith my soul is safe even when nothing else seems to be safe. 

I can sit and cry with my toddler when she wants to go to her grandparent’s house Now! And doesn’t understand that that’s not possible and it still be well with soul.

I can be struggling, feeling broken, and insecure and know that it is well with my soul because the Spirit of the living God is inside me and will cover all my lack and will move me into the right direction. 

When I stand before the Father (and we all will one day), He will look at me and say "well done my good and faithful servant" and welcome me in and it won't be based on how easy and how well i handled life on earth. It won't be based on how smart i was, how thin i was, how good of a scholar i was, how good of a wife and mom i was or friend or house keeper. He will look at me and see the blood of Jesus that covered all i wasn't.  

It. Is. Well. With. My. Soul.

I don’t feel like I have any great revelation in season, matter of fact I feel like the more I grow in the Lord and the longer i’m at this being a child of God thing the more I realize I do not know, the less I am sure of a set of morals, man made ideas or rules and standards and the more I realize it is only by Him are we saved not of ANY works of man. 

I can stand here though and say, “Man, sometimes i’m not ok, and its ok”.  I have the deep Presence of Jesus in my spirit man. I may need to sit and just be low and quiet for awhile but you know what-HE is with me.

He is sitting with me whether my soul can sing in faith that it is well or if my flesh and mind doubt it will ever be again.  

It is well with my soul because Jesus not because I have my mind, will, and (sure as heck don’t have) my emotions under control. 

I hope you all know that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother(or sister, mother, or father). That He loves you exactly where you are and is ready to take you all in-The whole mess of you. He came to save and to bring peace and healing and joy in the midst of hard and turmoil. He came to soothe your heart when it feels broken. He came to sit with you exactly where you are at and help you find peace. It’s only in Him, by Him, and through Him you will find rest and faith to truly sing IT IS weak with my soul. 

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.