Becky's Journey: The Day I Quit

The Day I Quit

I never write anymore. I find myself at a place that the juggling of life with all my humans, ministry, house of chaos and mess is so much that I don’t have a lot of time to write out my concise thoughts or grand revelations and by the time I actually do, I have completely forgotten them all.

I mean… am I ok?!?!?! Haha I hear it is just a mid-life woman thing but um….. Okay!!??

It’s chaotic in my house and in my brain these days.

I’ve always been a Type b(More like d) person. I’m chill, laid back, go with there flow…only now instead of being chill I find myself with a brain that can’t remember what book I read that morning, where I put my coffee down, if I ate that day or fed my people… all that and I’m running at an internal temperature of 187 degree Fahrenheit.

Chill is my mindset but not my physical makeup anymore….FO SHO.

Alas I am not here to complain of feminine wiles but here to share about that time that I quit. All of it.

It had been a particular busier season. With Emma turning 18 and feeling all the feels of “Oh My Word where has the time gone?” I knew that the season of all my babies being home all the time was coming to an end. I mean we want them home as long as they want to be here but the goal is not only to launch them into adulthood under our mentorship and covering but for them to obey the call of the Lord on their lives wherever that takes them.

SO instead of dread and complaints about summer crazy and extra activities, I declared this to be the Summer of Fun! Now anytime anything disgruntled is spoken Olive loudly declares, “Summer of Fun!” whilst throwing fist in the air.

So we’ve been living our life to the fullest this summer.

Ryan and I have always tried to live our lives sold out as disciples of Jesus. We want to serve Him in all we do and we have sought in open weakness and vulnerability to be an Engedi(safe place) to people along the way. We love God’s people.

A few weeks ago something happened that caused a shut off valve to activate in my heart. I think the initial cause was that I was carrying the burden of others instead of releasing them to Jesus. I was relying on my own strength to love others and help offset the burden instead of relying on Jesus. I had spent a season dealing with hard things/people and a hard season we as disciples walk through as sojourners on this earth. And then abruptly one day I just gave in to the enemies attack that said it was all worthless and I began to believe the lies. I had cared too much for too long and had felt pain and hurt and rejection that I took on personally when in reality it wasn’t me who was being rejected.

I know exactly where I was, sitting at a table under our walnut trees and I cried out to the Lord. I griped at God. I told Him it cost too much. That my old yellow house was Not worth it. That living so far away from the babies grandparents was not worth it, that missing family functions with my favorite people was not worth it, that my kids growing up with out their cousins close was not worth it. That the hours spent preparing our home for people wasn’t worth it, that trying to feed all the humans wasn’t worth it, that not getting time off as a family wasn’t worth it, restarting business in the middle of a weird culture was not worth. It was not worth it.

I wasn’t quitting God, I wanted to keep God close. I know that He is always safe and good and faithful but I didn’t want to do the work of being a sold out disciples anymore. Sometimes I would ask Ryan why we can’t live a white picket fence christian life. You know, go to church 2-4x a month, have a bible verse on your wall, 2.5 kids a dog, etc etc. but to live our lives for us. Living as the title of Christians but not in an everyday wake up to serve and obey God- you know Redeemed from death but not fully living for Him. Every time I ask Ryan this question he simply replies we wouldn’t be happy living that way. We have a call on our lives and would be unhappy living any other way. It’s true.

I knew it in my Spirit but my soul was raging.

I wept, I cried, I screamed, I mourned

But you know what, I just kept walking. I kept on saying to YES to Jesus. I Kept on with family, ministry, and Faith, even when I didn’t feel it, even when I fell, even when I was broken and didn’t want to. I just put one foot in front of the other. I told Ryan that instead of running the race(Hebrews12:1-3) I was more at a slow walk or crawl. I was still in it but definitely not in it to win it, more like a participation trophy..

Then a few weeks later at Youth Equip I was sitting in the midst of a group teenagers worshipping Jesus karaoke style(where we have a tv with music and words and we sing along) and all of a sudden- My soul filled with joy again. I was in love with the race of following Jesus, of counting to the cost and saying YES YES YES He is worth it. He is worth every tear that I’ve cried, every tear my kids have cried, every hour spent loving others, every bit of the times Ryan worked 10+ hours in the heat and rushed home to shower just in time to love on people in his house that he hadn’t been at all day, every bit of the cost of time and finances to follow Him and obey Him in his call..

I sat with young adults who just at the cusp of life are committed to knowing Him and wanting to be equipped and to know their Savior’s voice. MY heart sang such a beautiful song to Jesus again(much more beautiful than anything out of my mouth=). HE is Good. HE is worthy. HE is lovely.

Ryan and I are not special. We don’t have some extra measure of grace than others. We just found this life so dissatisfying without Jesus and want to follow Him in all we do. Did you know we all have a calling? Ministry and the revelation of the gospel of peace isn’t just for missionaries or preachers behind a pulpit. It is for all you whether you're clerks at a grocery store, moms at playdates, firefighters, police officers, teachers, business owners, nurses, unemployed, etc etc- The Lord has a purpose and a calling on your life and has called you by name.

I say all this to share my heart to those who may be struggling too. Do you ever want to quit?

Life in Jesus isn’t easy, it actually can be quite hard at times but In Him you will find peace like no other, you will find your who you are meant to be. And you know sometimes you will grow weary and sometimes you might fall but if you just wait on Him, He will again renew your strength. You will sore on the wings like eagles, you will run and not grow weary and you will walk and not grow

faint.

Or in other words from my southern roots…

Pull up your boot straps its gonna be a wild ride but heck ain’t nothing better.

I’m glad you are in the race with me.

En Gedi update:

It has been a busy season at En gedi Acres. Early this year we had our teens come to us and ask if we would pray about starting something for youth. They wanted to grow deeper in the Lord and had sensed in their spirit a need for deeper discipleship for themselves and their peers. After praying about it as a family team for a few months we launched Youth Equip. Our heart is to help these young adults and teens to build a strong foundation on being disciples in Him. We worship together, pray over each other, and Ryan gives a 30minute(at least he tries to keep it at 30 minutes=) lesson. He has taught on knowing your identity in Him, hearing the voice of the Lord, and the word of God being alive as the Word and story of King Jesus, and so much more.

IT has been my favorite teachings of his thus far. We've been encouraged greatly.

We have a mixture of kids, teens and even parents that come. The lord has blessed us with some great leaders to partner in this as well who have a heart for ministry to the youth. He is moving in our small mountain town.

We are also continuing with home church and have been blessed to grow and have new faces. With the eb and flow of people and trusting the Lord has something for each of us who are present each time we gather.

God has been so good to us and we will work until He calls us home-Loving His bride the church and serving Him one day at time.

We have had many guest come to stay at Engedi as well and have a busy fall with groups coming. Whether local or people from afar we want to always welcome others in for a place of rest, refuge, and restoration as we sojourner this age.