The Day I Quit

The Day I Quit

I never write anymore. I find myself at a place that the juggling of life with all my humans, ministry, house of chaos and mess is so much that I don’t have a lot of time to write out my concise thoughts or grand revelations and by the time I actually do, I have completely forgotten them all.

I mean… am I ok?!?!?! Haha I hear it is just a mid-life woman thing but um….. Okay!!?? 

It’s chaotic in my house and in my brain these days.

I’ve always been a Type b(More like d) person. I’m chill, laid back, go with there flow…only now instead of being chill I find myself with a brain that can’t remember what book I read that morning, where I put my coffee down, if I ate that day or fed my people… all that and I’m running at an internal temperature of 187 degree Fahrenheit.

Chill is my mindset but not my physical makeup anymore….FO SHO. 

Alas I am not here to complain of feminine wiles but here to share about that time that I quit. All of it. 

It had been a particular busier season. With Emma turning 18 and feeling all the feels of “Oh My Word where has the time gone?” I knew that the season of all my babies being home all the time was coming to an end. I mean we want them home as long as they want to be here but the goal is not only to launch them into adulthood under our mentorship and covering but for them to obey the call of the Lord on their lives wherever that takes them. 

SO instead of dread and complaints about summer crazy and extra activities, I declared this to be the Summer of Fun! Now anytime anything disgruntled is spoken Olive loudly declares, “Summer of Fun!” whilst throwing fist in the air. 

So we’ve been living our life to the fullest this summer.

  Ryan and I have always tried to live our lives sold out as disciples of Jesus. We want to serve Him in all we do and we have sought in open weakness and vulnerability to be an Engedi(safe place) to people along the way. We love God’s people. 

A few weeks ago something happened that caused a shut off valve to activate in my heart. I think the initial cause was that I was carrying the burden of others instead of releasing them to Jesus. I was relying on my own strength to love others and help offset the burden instead of relying on Jesus. I had spent a season dealing with hard things/people and a hard season we as disciples walk through as sojourners on this earth.  And then abruptly one day I just gave in to the enemies attack that said it was all worthless and I began to believe the lies. I had cared too much for too long and had felt pain and hurt and rejection that I took on personally when in reality it wasn’t me who was being rejected.

I know exactly where I was, sitting at a table under our walnut trees and I cried out to the Lord. I griped at God. I told Him it cost too much. That my old yellow house was Not worth it. That living so far away from the babies grandparents was not worth it, that missing family functions with my favorite people was not worth it, that my kids growing up with out their cousins close was not worth it. That the hours spent preparing our home for people wasn’t worth it, that trying to feed all the humans wasn’t worth it, that not getting time off as a family wasn’t worth it, restarting business in the middle of a weird culture was not worth. It was not worth it. 

I wasn’t quitting God, I wanted to keep God close. I know that He is always safe and good and faithful but I didn’t want to do the work of being a sold out disciples anymore. Sometimes I would ask Ryan why we can’t live a white picket fence christian life. You know, go to church 2-4x a month, have a bible verse on your wall, 2.5 kids a dog, etc etc. but to live our lives for us. Living as the title of Christians but not in an everyday wake up to serve and obey God- you know Redeemed from death but not fully living for Him.  Every time I ask Ryan this question he simply replies we wouldn’t be happy living that way. We have a call on our lives and would be unhappy living any other way.  It’s true.   

I knew it in my Spirit but my soul was raging. 

I wept, I cried, I screamed, I mourned

But you know what, I just kept walking. I kept on saying to YES to Jesus. I Kept on with family, ministry, and Faith, even when I didn’t feel it, even when I fell, even when I was broken and didn’t want to. I just put one foot in front of the other. I told Ryan that instead of running the race(Hebrews12:1-3) I was more at a slow walk or crawl.   I was still in it but definitely not in it to win it, more like a participation trophy..

Then a few weeks later at Youth Equip I was sitting in the midst of a group teenagers worshipping Jesus karaoke style(where we have a tv with music and words and we sing along) and all of a sudden- My soul filled with joy again. I was in love with the race of following Jesus, of counting to the cost and saying YES YES YES He is worth it. He is worth every tear that I’ve cried, every tear my kids have cried, every hour spent loving others, every bit of the times Ryan worked 10+ hours in the heat and rushed home to shower just in time to love on people in his house that he hadn’t been at all day, every bit of the cost of time and finances to follow Him and obey Him in his call.. 

I sat with young adults who just at the cusp of life are committed to knowing Him and wanting to be equipped and to know their Savior’s voice. MY heart sang such a beautiful song to Jesus again(much more beautiful than anything out of my mouth=). HE is Good. HE is worthy. HE is lovely. 

Ryan and I are not special. We don’t have some extra measure of grace than others. We just found this life so dissatisfying without Jesus and want to follow Him in all we do.  Did you know we all have a calling? Ministry and the revelation of the gospel of peace isn’t just for missionaries or preachers behind a pulpit. It is for all you whether you're clerks at a grocery store, moms at playdates, firefighters, police officers, teachers, business owners, nurses, unemployed, etc etc- The Lord has a purpose and a calling on your life and has called you by name. 

I say all this to share my heart to those who may be struggling too. Do you ever want to quit?

Life in Jesus isn’t easy, it actually can be quite hard at times but In Him you will find peace like no other, you will find your who you are meant to be. And you know sometimes you will grow weary and sometimes you might fall but if you just wait on Him, He will again renew your strength. You will sore on the wings like eagles, you will run and not grow weary and you will walk and not grow 

faint.

Or in other words from my southern roots…

Pull up your boot straps its gonna be a wild ride but heck ain’t nothing better.

I’m glad you are in the race with me. 

En Gedi update:

It has been a busy season at En gedi Acres. Early this year we had our teens come to us and ask if we would pray about starting something for youth. They wanted to grow deeper in the Lord and had sensed in their spirit a need for deeper discipleship for themselves and their peers. After praying about it as a family team for a few months we launched Youth Equip. Our heart is to help these young adults and teens to build a strong foundation on being disciples in Him. We worship together, pray over each other, and Ryan gives a 30minute(at least he tries to keep it at 30 minutes=) lesson. He has taught on knowing your identity in Him, hearing the voice of the Lord, and the word of God being alive as the Word and story of King Jesus, and so much more.  

IT has been my favorite teachings of his thus far. We've been encouraged greatly. 

We have a mixture of kids, teens and even parents that come. The lord has blessed us with some great leaders to partner in this as well who have a heart for ministry to the youth. He is moving in our small mountain town.

We are also continuing with home church and have been blessed to grow and have new faces. With the eb and flow of people and trusting the Lord has something for each of us who are present each time we gather. 

God has been so good to us and we will work until He calls us home-Loving His bride the church and serving Him one day at time.   

We have had many guest come to stay at Engedi as well and have a busy fall with groups coming. Whether local or people from afar we want to always welcome others in for a place of rest, refuge, and restoration as we sojourner this age.

May all we do magnify the Name of the Lord out God

Communion and worship in the Sukka(fire pit)

Youth nights are always a blast

My days in the belly of whale.

Guys, it has been a hard summer. I feel like our family team/ministry ran a marathon at full speed just to get to the end of the marathon summer to cross that line and its time for school to start and fall is about here.  

I have noticed the past month or so that I had been struggling with my heart and attitude. I felt tired and frustrated with all the people/things that have been hard. I was tired of trying. I was tired of being Christ-like. I was grumpy. I was tired of injustice.  I just didn’t like people, not all people but the hard people. 

I was sharing with a sister one day and just flippantly said I feel like Jonah. When the lord called him to Nineveh he ran, the hid, he threw a fit. He didn’t like the Ninevites. They felt like a waste. The Lord caused a storm and sent a whale to swallow him up to get ahold of his heart. 

I needed a whale.

 

Time goes by and I can not get that out of my head. I cant stop thinking about how it took Jonah 3 days in the belly of the whale to come to a place of obedience and repentance and say yes to Jesus.  I know in my heart that I need to be in the “belly of a whale”. I know my own attitude has been similar to Jonah. But I was so tired. I am so tired,  

So I ask the Lord what is my whale. I do want Jesus more. I do want more of Jesus. I cant just change my heart. I do want to love like Jesus, to see all the people with a heart that loves them and want God’s best for them.

So I mercifully asked my family to throw me off the boat in the storm and trust Jesus to put me in the belly of a whale to renew my heart, soul, mind and spirit. They graciously(more than happy to) obliged. 

 

So I’m in my “whale”. (just happens to be a camper In the woods). I have 3 days, 3 days to grumble and complain to whine, to surrender, to hope, to obey, and to believe again.

Day 1:

I began on my knees telling the Lord how I feel about all the things, like He didn’t already know.  

I almost immediately heard His voice tell me, “The people are not the problem. The thing is not the problem. The person/people/thing might be a challenge in front of you but they are not your problem. Your problem is your eyes are on the challenge/challenging and not on me. “

Ouch. 

So good, but ouch.

Day 2: I’m struggling. I’m battling my flesh. I see and discern but they don’t and I feel attack and alone and defeated.  I pour out my tearful heart to a safe place who knows and loves me.  Then a sweet friend reminds me of Jesus. How Jesus works better than we can and it genuinely last. She reminding me that we are called to GO LOW.  UGH… ugly cry. There it is. There is my word for day 2-Go Low. But how can I go low if I am wanting to go up and desire more and more of Jesus?

I get this picture of me dragging someone with a rope. 

I’m yelling, “Come on! We have to go! Stop dragging your feet!” Impatiently pulling at them.

Then I see me get behind them, kindly encouraging them, “You got it! You can do it! You’re doing so good. Keep going, its gonna be so great!”

Ugh…..

I have to go low. I have to trust Jesus. I have to love. Who wants to follow someone who is nagging and yelling, throwing fits and shade(I’m particularly good at throwing shade)? No one wants that. 

I want to be more Jesus… more like Jesus. 

Day 3:

Ok ok ok ok ok…..Im starting to feel it in my bones. I’m starting to wake up a little. 

I spend time yelling to God. What started as a quiet prayer turned Into pacing in my whale belly and asking the Lord for all the desires in my heart. I’m screaming(literally) all my fears and surrendering to Him. If anyone was close to my camper they would probably thought I had lost my mind. I kinda did.

 

I’m yelling out, worship music is blaring.

I WANT JESUS. I WANT JESUS!  I WANT JESUS!!!!

HE IS HERE. HE CARES. HE SEES ME. HE WANTS ME. 

Jesus, Holy Anointed, Righteous One!!

JESUS!!

You’re Name is like honey on my lips. You’re Spirit is like water to my soul. 

My voice is hoarse, my body is perspiring, I’m sobbing.

I am broken but in the safest way. 

I don’t want to live life without Presence. I tell God how I fail at everything I do. How unsatisfying life is without HIM. I need Him! 

Comfort

Silence

Peace

I know I am going to screw up again, I know I am going to fail, I know I need Jesus everyday to help me. I can not walk without him holding my hand and sometimes carrying me and maybe have to spend some time in the belly off the whale to get ahold of my heart sometimes.

I needed to be broken and in the belly of the whale to find hope again in this season. I needed a shake down to obey and have a heart that is ready and willing to obey.

What about you? Do you have a Ninevah? Do you have a call you are struggling to obey?

I’m not special. I’m just a broken human who needs a Savior and surrender. 

I encourage you to find your whale, your place where the Lord can get ahold of your heart and you can have renewed hope and a spirit of obedience again. 

You can even borrow my “whale” if you want but it doesn’t even have to be a place. 

It could be a mindset, a fast, a sanctuary, something that takes you away from a normal to a place of pouring out to Jesus. 

My kids keep reminding me that Jonah didn’t have a bed or indoor plumbing but that is ok. The Lord got ahold of me just the same. 

I spent 3 days in the belly of the whale. 3 days of worship, prayer, and the Word. 3 days of not leaving the camper at all. My people came and went. Ryan and the kids all took time having 1 on 1 time with me. Most of them came and napped on the bed or couch at different times while worship played.  It was such sweet time for me, learning to be intentional in a new way with Jesus and with my kids and husband. What a gift the Lord gave me to put me in a place to call out to Him and surrender again to His call on my life. I don't have to do it alone though. I will have Him with me, whether in the belly of the whale, on a mountain, or deepest valley, at my worst or at my best, He is with me always.

Thank you, Lord, for my time in the whale.

Heart disease, Hashimotos, and a sticker book

Crazy how these three things have become such a big part of my life.  

When we moved to North Idaho a few years back I needed to establish care with a new doctor.  I have Hashimotos which is an autoimmune disease and regularly get my blood checked to make sure my numbers are stable, so finding a doctor was a priority for me.   When establishing new care the doctors always do a thorough check up.   

While listening to my heart my new primary told me I have pretty significant murmur and since it is on a major valve she wanted to get it checked out. I had been told a couple times during pregnancy that I had a pregnancy murmur. I guess you can get them when pregnant because your heart is working so much harder but it”s not usually a real concern and they resolve themselves after babies.  

I went to have an echo done and never heard anything back.  So I assumed everything was ok. 

Well..you know what they say about assuming, don’t ya……

I think it was like 7+ months later when I went in for just a routine visit for labs for Hashimotos. And I mention I never heard anything back from that Echo so I guess everything was fine.  

My doctor just looked at me and told me she couldn’t find any evidence that I had it done in my file.  They finally find the results and tell me that I am not fine. That the echo 7+months ago showed significant damage to aortic valve and I am in moderate stage heart disease and I have to go see a cardiologist asap. 

I’m in shock. The whole world stops for a minute.  I remember I was having our first “high tea” with my big girls what we call our devotion and prayer meeting when I got the call. 

All I knew was that a scan 7+ months ago showed that my heart was moderately damaged.  

So what was it now? Was I going to drop dead any minute.   I immediately called and scheduled with a cardiologist but it was a 3 and half week wait to get in.   

I just remember those 3 weeks being afraid constantly that I was leaving my husband and 7 kids. I was riding at one point with my 3 bigs and everyone was laughing.(teenagers are amazing.  Ours are hilarious and so fun to be with)  I just all of a sudden thought how long do I have with them? I don’t want to leave this.  

I know, super dramatic, but it was moments like this that happened continually for those 3 weeks of waiting. I cried and prayed often, I had people pray over me and felt ministered to but I still had to walk this out and that was a lot. 

I finally met with the cardiologist and he is baffled.  My heart is functioning well and my numbers are all good on blood test  They do an EKG. Why is my heart showing signs of damage?  He ordered a second echo(ultrasound on my heart) and this time he can see that I have what is called a bicuspid aortic valve.  Where they are supposed to be 3 flaps there are 2.  Two of the flaps are sealed together. This causes my aortic valve to not get a properl seal and causes back flow of blood which causes stenosis(damage). 

But the good news with the new echo (that was a better scan) my score went from moderate to mild.  It’s mild, moderate, and then severe. Mild is watch, moderate is watch closer, and severe is immediate open heart surgery to replace the valve.  

This was my 39th birthday when I found out. 

I just recently went back (it just happened to fall on my 40th birthday week=) for my year check up and had a new echo and my condition is stable. He said unless I have any symptoms I don’t have to come back for 3 years.  

That my heart valve is at the stage of 50 year olds [ouch!] and that I will need open heart surgery in 10-15 years to replace it. Cool cool cool cool cool

This is a genetic heart defect that I’ve had since birth and he was very reassuring that it was not my fault.

I’m still amazed after 7 kids and 39 years no one noticed.  But I also am so thankful that the Lord knew and I’m not sure I would have had or been advised to have so many kids if I knew earlier. Pregnancy is hard on your heart. 

God knew. He held me. He kept my heart beating. 

If anyone asked me what I got for my birthday all of last year I would have told them heart disease.  😂🤦🏼‍♀️ This year I might say a 50 year old heart.

So for the past year, I, in my anti-diet culture self have just strived to be a strong mom and been in a cycle of trying to be faithful with building muscle, strength, and cardio endurance.  I know myself well enough to know I can’t focus on diets or scales (I don’t even have one) or how I look but it needs to be on how I feel in obedience.  I will never be tiny.  If I may say “baby got back” but my husband likes it. I just want to feel strong and be strong for kids and grandkids someday.  

I have a really good friend who had a brilliant idea of buying a sticker by number book.  So every time you work out, or go for a walk, or hike, bike, kayak, etc; you get to put a sticker on. When you finish a page you can frame it and put it on the wall. 

She bought both of us one. 

I must still be in elementary school with my 50 Year old heart because I am highly motivated by stickers. I’m on my fourth page now and it will hang next to these.  

I’ve not been able to tell in the way I look but by walking in faithfulness and obedience I’m beginning to feel stronger and better. 

I highly recommend getting your self a sticker book if you are motivated like a child. Haha

I share this because I was thinking about it and laughing (like I often do) at myself and how I love adding stickers to my chart and it just hit me how being a disciple of Jesus can be similar.

The blood of Jesus has paid the price for our sins.  We are sealed with the Holy Spirit as the bride of Christ.  And no matter how we fail or what we don’t accomplish, God doesn’t come peal off our stickers of accomplishments. He loves us and is so proud of us and our “sticker page” whether 5 stickers or 50--it's all His reward because of His blood.  

But hear me out disciples of Jesus.  We get to choose the picture we make here.  This isn’t a works based ideology. Our price and sanctification comes from the blood. But the choices we make on earth will testify with how beautiful the picture is here. 

Ex: I spend time in the word and prayer because I love Jesus and it helps me everyday to give my day to him; it makes my day more beautiful, not always easy but beautiful. But when I don’t give my days to Him and only live for myself it doesn’t mean I’m loved less. It just means that I see less beauty, peace, and joy.

Or if Ryan comes home from work and just checks out on his phone and isn't present to spend time with family that day, It doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good dad. He is still loves us and is an amazing dad and husband but he misses the beauty of that picture (or sticker) that day. 

We get to choose what the picture of our life is; what we invest our time and attention to; what we love the most; or what it looks like as a disciple of Jesus. He has redeemed us and we choose Jesus everyday because our life is better when we do. Our picture is glorifying to Him. We get to be a part of creating a beautiful picture in Him. 

But he doesn’t punish us or take a sticker away when we fail. 

And We will fail. 

I’m so thankful that Jesus doesn’t peal away my stickers when I fall.  I’m so thankful he doesn’t peal away my stickers when I’m grumpy, disobey, gain a pound, or check out. He sees the full picture of His life for me when He sees me. And I want to live everyday for Him so I can see glimpses of that beauty along the way.  

My goal in life isn’t just a sticker page filled with stickers; it is to live a life with Eyes Wide Open and a heart that is a little broken but held by the Father. I want to see His goodness everyday. I want to be a beautiful picture and a sweet aroma to the King. I want Presence and to be present to see it; and be a paintbrush in the hand of the most magnificent artist.

He has a masterpiece for you too.