My Belonging

“My belonging”

A few weeks ago I was crying out to the Lord and I heard this phrase in my head. That I am looking for “my belonging”. I have mauled it over the past few weeks as I get ready to turn 40. Woah Nelly! I feel old.

I have wasted so many moments in hours and days wondering who I am and where I fit in and belong.

This is something that I have struggled with off and on in seasons. I feel different. I feel set apart. In high school when everyone was going out partying or to the mall or shopping I wanted to stay home with a book and just read. As an adult when there were girls nights, or mom’s night out I wanted to stay home with my husband and kids and relax.

I don’t think I’ve ever been very cool. Lol

Mind you I had friends, I had sisters in Christ, I had family that I loved so much. I still do. I don’t know why it’s always been hard for me to get out to socialize. I think in the self diagnosing world we live in I would probably be put somewhere on the spectrum and at the very least classified as a HUGE introvert. 

I can function when I am with others but the amount of energy drained in social settings is insane. I have known deep friendship and intimacy with the body that is so life giving even in the midst of the physical draining that is happening. I long for real deep relationships. I can shoot the breeze as they say but deep down inside I would rather real conversation and sharing real life struggles and victories. 

In the commitment to being a follower of Yahweh and as a disciple of Jesus, I have learned the importance of the body of Christ, His church, His people. 

I have learned that His Spirit that loves and dwells inside me longs for fellowship and life in the body. So on this journey I have learned to feed my spirit man more than my soul man(who always would rather stay home) and that it is good. 

A few years ago in obedience to the leading of our King we packed up all our belongings and moved our family across the country. There was a sense of mourning as we moved away from all our family and friends. We’ve never lived close to family. When Emma was about three months(almost 17 years ago) old we did this for the first time. I raised all our babies without family near. We were babies raising babies all alone but in obedience to King Jesus. But this last move went from 3-4 hours away to more like a several days away. Crazy hard; but also worth knowing we were obeying our Maker; but that is not what this story is about. 

We moved from the heart of flat Kansas to the mountains of Northern Idaho. The geography was different and so was the culture.  The 15 years we lived in Kansas were some of the most amazing years. We grew in ministry and in life. We went from 1 kid to 7 in eleven years. We found our groove.  I knew who I was as a disciple, wife, and mom. We were busy leading different house churches. We found our ministry name En Gedi. Our call was to be an En Gedi to the church.  A place of rest and a place to minister to the disciples of Jesus. We had a good support system and like minded people who were similar to us. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. But then I spent about the first year in the mountains letting the Lord tear down wrong ways of thinking. That my value wasn’t placed in the body on how well I perform. That God is no respecter of persons and that He loves His body in all their gifting. I think I spent years trying to be good enough not just for the body but for family and friends too (classic people pleaser). 

The year of mourning and breaking that happened that first year in North Idaho was worth every tear that I cried. After several wrong ways of thinking were torn away I knew who I was in Jesus in a deeper way that I hadn’t before. I wasn’t afraid to be me. Walking in ministry became one of my favorite things and I didn’t have to perform, I just had to be obedient. 

Before we left Kansas I had a dream that some mentors we had brought me a gift for my birthday. On the way they had found a tea set in the ditch and there were several cracked pieces but only one perfect tea cup. They gave me the good one and kept the cracked pieces for themself. I felt like this was the way of the Lord saying, take what I’ve given you here and leave the broken-parts behind.

There are no perfect parts here on earth. We are all just human and broken but put back together by the Master Potter. One day in heaven I look forward to being together with all the parts of the body even the broken ones who have been hurtful at times. I know I am not perfect either and I hope anyone who knows me can take the good and leave the bad behind as well. 

Back to the present-I am in Northern Idaho. Loving the mountains and seeing the Lord move.  I know who I am in the Spirit more than I ever have before but slowly as I got to know people I began to struggle with feeling like I don’t fit in. 

These people have what the Hebrew word called “Chutzpah”(sounds like Hoodspa). Someone with chutzpah is often used to describe one who pushes boundaries and defies social norms. They are bold and even brazen at times. They are brave.

Honestly, I’m in awe of them. Passionate people who live and love strongly. I admire them but then there’s me.  

I’m pretty chill and also love fast food occasionally. In fact I’m pretty sure I dreamt about a big mac last night.. some of you may say Yum and some of you may say yuck. I would most definitely say yum and then feel yuck about an hour after..lol

I also make most my meals from scratch but also love me some msg on occasion and shh don’t tell…even some things with red dye. Bless. 

I don’t know what my opinion is about all vaccines. I do know that after covid chaos I quit trusting the industry. I have to trust the Lord sustains us through all of it vaccinated or not.

My people eat way to many homemade cookies that are filled with white flour and processed sugar. 

I also make sourdough bread, bagels, english muffins, croissants, etc. etc. and have vegetables at every meal but you ask my kids if they want a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal, a sugar covered donut, or a happy meal and they’d all say heck ya they do. 

We love outdoor activities such as hiking, biking, and kayaking but we are not star athletes, more like from the “Out of breathe hiking society”.

I’m a hot mess express and I do not have my life together.

I don't even know what type of homeschooler I am. It just depends on the day. 

My personality doesn’t have strong opinions about very many things apart from Jesus Christ being the only way to Yahweh and for a long time I thought I was broken because of this. The enemy told me I was just not smart or strong enough to chase all these things or opinions, that I don’t belong with people who do.  

I think somewhere along the way I began to devalue myself. I didn’t know how to garden, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t clean eating enough, I don’t have strong opinions about things. I wasn’t smart enough. We moved here because of Jesus- not to seek asylum from bad government overreach. 

I didn’t know where I belonged as Becky.

So here I am. I am a 40 year old wife and mom to 7 kids who by all means lets her kids watch to much tv, loves gas station fried food, candy with red dye and processed sugars on occasion.

I love love the body of Christ. All of them. The ones I disagree with, agree with, the ones that go to traditional churches, the ones who go to small group or home churches and even the ones who don’t go anywhere because of past hurt or life being too hard and they don’t know where they belong. I love His church.

I love each of you in Jesus no matter your stance on church, politics, food, government, etc etc. 

I am not sure where I fit in this culture sometimes or even in this world. I am 40 years old and I still don’t know where I belong a lot of the time. I still feel like the odd ball in this world and in social settings. 

But I know who I am in Jesus and I know who He says I am. I am His.  

In a world with so many opinions and camps I am so thankful that He chose me to be His; and He chose me to love in the midst of so many people who are different than I am.  

This is 40. 

I am me.

My belonging is with Jesus. 

Not on my personality, struggles, stances on politics, or what I put in my mouth, my shape, size, number of kids I have, or where I worship. 

My belonging is with Jesus.

So is yours. 

I wonder if anyone else has struggled through life at times wondering where there belonging is? I sat with my wonderful husband this morning and we talked and cried together as we shared about how no matter where the Lord has taken us in all our years, no matter how hard, no matter how heartbreaking, every time we have longed for belonging it has pushed us to want and need Jesus more than we would without it. It is worth it. 

So I guess my encouragement would be that I am a 40 year old woman who has walked with Jesus for decades and still sometimes doesn’t know who I am. I still long sometimes for someone to understand me, I still cry because of unanswered prayers or because things just don’t seem fair. 

In every step of searching for my belonging, I long more for Jesus and pray you do to.

***After writing this a week or so ago I had a dream. In my dream there were a bunch of people all standing in an area. It wasn’t that they were together or in a crowd. It was like I was looking down and seeing all His people different shapes, sizes and ethnicities, everyone unique. 

Then I seen a light on each of their chest radiating His Light. All of sudden all of those lights that represent who they are as individuals in Christ turned upward. And all these people who were separate became One great light praising Yahweh and shining bright and glorifying Him in the heavens. From my aerial view I was overwhelmed by the praise of His church as one body made up of hundreds of other bodies. The light of His church and the power behind the praise of His people. You didn’t see the differences anymore but you all you could see was the glory and praise to our King..

This is who we are.

This is our belonging.

                                      

Laying it down and following Jesus

Recently I was sitting down with a dear sister sharing about my season in life. The Lord had recently moved me in a deeper way to let go of man’s approval that I have always struggled to look for. There have been layers of this I had grown in but this was a new revelation in my heart in season. 

I think we all have people that we look up to and care for and even some have wisdom that we can grow from; but I struggle sometimes along the way with putting some people on pedestals (and boy do those pedestals fall); and my own worth and value becomes based on their recognition or approval. 

Pitiful. 

I know.   

{In this moment as I was sharing I had a picture pop into my head.  There was a mountain in the distance and then there was Ryan sitting on the ground with this pile of sand. He was peacefully (like a child playing on a beach) building his pile and moving his sand around and there I was with a rope tied around Ryan trying to drag him to the mountain. In my heart I was saying, “Come on, Ryan!! We have to move the mountains to be a part of something bigger. We have to move the mountains for Jesus to belong and to be worthy in our lives and in the lives of others.” 

There I was pulling that rope as tight as I could and there was Ryan content peacefully abiding in Jesus without a care in the world for being on anyone’s bulletin board of most righteous for moving mountains for all to see. }

I recognized this feeling immediately. For years the Lord has humbled me. For years I have been jealous at different times of others who seemed to obtain favor of man when we worked hard for the same purposes. I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to have value in the sight of man. 

For years I watched Ryan lay down his life and say yes to Jesus and refuse with all that he is to perform for anyone. I’ve had people speak doubt and even tell me that he was just not quite there yet. That what he was doing wasn’t a pastoring because he didn’t get behind a pulpit and preach to people, like there was something that needed to be unleashed in Ryan and we were all waiting. 

Ryan was unmoved. He learned to close his mouth unless Jesus spoke, to wait, to listen. I was so frustrated in seasons because I knew the gift and the power of who Ryan is in Jesus and I wanted him to move the mountains. There was so much humbling that happened over the course of the years as we learned to lay down everything that we thought we could do for the Lord and we submitted ourselves to His Kingdom and not our own idea of the kingdom for the church. Ryan gave up his pulpit to sit at the feet of others, sharing life, love, and the testimony of the sweet gospel of Jesus and His Kingdom.  But he had to lay down himself first. 

Not many people know that Ryan was going to school to be an architect and the Lord told him to lay it down to go into ministry. He was top of his class. 

(Met and married me)

He moved to Kansas to plant a church for the denomination that we both grew up in (and that we still love) but the Lord told him what he was calling him to can’t be put into any box. So he laid it down. 

Ryan grew a business for 10+ years getting it to a place of success. Starting a construction business in a place where you don’t have roots is hard. It takes time to build clientele. We seen others who were from the area be able to jump start businesses while we spent years building ours and our work speaking for itself; but it did and we were finally booming. 

The Lord told him to lay it down, so he did.

Ryan spent 5 years building his family our dream home in his spare time while also working full time to pay our bills. We lived there less than a year and the Lord told him to lay it down, so he did. 

Through these seasons we grew a family. We said yes to Jesus. The Lord revealed our heart and His call for our ministry. We led and partnered in several home churches. I seen Ryan shine in Jesus. I seen him exhort his brother. I seen him fall in love with the church and the beauty of intimacy in ministering to the body in these settings. I would set many times in awe of this man who I accused of not wanting to move mountains with me and realized over and over that he was doing the great work of Jesus. He was washing the feet of the disciples of the Lord. He gave up standing in a pulpit to sit at the feet of the sinner(which we all are). 

I had viewed both of us for a long time as less than. Because we weren’t on the radar or on the bulletin board of the “greatest.” Because the great obedient work that we were walking in didn’t look like we were moving mountains in the kingdom. 

But Ryan was faithful. He was humbled and would humble himself over and over. I’ve seen him sit and talk to people about building science, business smarts, architectural design while wearing flannel shirts and tool belts or dress shirts and pants. I’ve also seen him sit and talk dungeons and dragons to people or science, politics and conspiracy with people. He is the smartest and manliest man I know but also knows how to be gentle and sweet and kind. 

He has learned the beauty of this verse- 

I Corinthians 9:22b 

“I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.”

I think that somewhere along the way, Ryan learned that His identity is in Jesus. It’s not in his skill or ability to charm people or gather a crowd. His identity is settled in his love for Jesus and his love to share His gospel and be the church. 

1 Thessalonians 2:4-9

“For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts. For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness. Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others, though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.

For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, while we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.”

I read this word this morning and it hit me in a new way. We have not come to please man but to be partakers in the gospel. I’m thankful for the layers the Lord is peeling from me in helping me grow deeper. And I’m so thankful for Ryan. His steadfastness to sit where the Lord has him and not try to please man and move mountains or to win others by your great works. 

So I’m letting go of that rope in a new way and I am going to sit with my man, my partner on this earth and bask in the Glory of King Jesus and His kingdom and play in the sand. We will be obedient to His word and not worry about what others say or think. We will be where the Lord has us and will know even when it looks minuscule to this world when it is in the name of Jesus and for Jesus it is moving mountains in the Kingdom. 

So I want to say whether you are a mountain mover or a sand shaker when you are obedient to King Jesus in your life you, my friend, you are doing Kingdom work. 

And you can sit with me any day. 

And to my dear husband, thank you for being steadfast. Thank you for saying yes to Jesus over and over. Thank you for laying down your life over and over for the glory of King Jesus. Thank you for not trying to live up to anyone’s expectations but King Jesus. Thank you for being you whether you sit at a king’s table or a at a paupers feet. Thank you for dying to yourself daily. Thank you that though you are far from perfect and make mistakes and get cranky and tired, you always always are quick to say sorry and repent. 

You are real. You are raw. You are beautiful. 

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL...(and when it isn't)

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL…. (and when it isn’t)

I wrote this about 6 months ago and felt stirred in my heart today to write but realized I never shared. I think the season on learning to believe the truth of these words in the classroom of life the past 6 months has really shaken me, to know in faith that He is good when I don't feel it in my circumstances of life. To say it is well with my soul when everything around us feels like a DUMPSTER FIRE! Thank goodness we live for a kingdom that we know will not be shaken, that will be made right and has already won the battles even we are a hot mess express and the world around us is falling apart..Cause it is ugly out there ya'll. 

I will stand and say it is good, It is well with my soul. I will look at the beauty of His creation and know that HE is good.

(continued.....)

I usually try to pray for a new word at the start of each year. I’m not a big resolution person but I love fresh vision. As I prayed for a word from the Lord all that kept coming to my mind is the phrase “It Is Well With My Soul”.  I pondered for many days on this. It has been over a year since we moved to Idaho. Last New Years this time we had just returned from our first visit back to family after moving. That was hard. We hadn’t started home church yet here and we had definitely made some connections but we hadn’t started gathering together as a body. Next week marks our 1 year anniversary of starting house church in Idaho. Jesus and His body make such a difference. It wasn’t as soul aching this time saying goodbye to family and friends because we had faith and able to see what the Lord was doing and His body is here in Idaho. The Lord has been so faithful and so sweet. It is nothing that we have done just Jesus fulfilling His purpose and plan. Why do we even doubt sometimes?  He has always been so faithful.  He always will be. 

So in comparison to last year at this time It WAS well in my soul on that drive home from the southern regions and midwest to our mountains. We had a life here, we had friends, a church, and people who are becoming family to us. 

But then it hit me-just a couple of January seasonally lows of dark days and cold weather. 

Unwellness of the soul…

Of thoughts on my parents aging and how time is going so fast. 

Of worries for my lost relatives who are running from the Lord. 

Of sickness that seems to be bountiful

Of my awkward self trying to be social in the midst of my own insecurities 

Of feeling alone while everyone is talking about new year’s goals or agendas

Of hormonal shifts where i just feel off and achy and exhausted and just low

Of longing for my kids to be able to play with their cousins

What about those days? 

What about when my brain can’t seem to sing in faith that IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL??

When we can’t seem to believe it is or see that it is. 

When we are walking through really hard things. 

When your husband is stressed and kids are crazy.

When finances don’t align themselves to give hope.

When marriage is hard.

When teenagers are struggling.

When toddlers run rampant and we can’t seem to breathe.

When our health fails and the world is shaky

I was taught that our soul is made up of our mind, will, and emotions-

I will be the first to say that my mind, will, and fo-sho emotions do not always align themselves in faith.  My dying flesh seems to fight against this often. There is a very real chemical fluctuation that happens in a normal body but add on to that chemical imbalance and you set yourself for a very real moment in time where your soul(mind, will, and emotions)will say IT IS NOT WELL! 

I’ve come to this conclusion over the past few weeks while I wrestle with the Lord in season that the Prayer and Call of God comes from deep within to know that IT IS well with my soul. I may not feel like my soul is well at times but His Very Real Spirit lives inside me and I can say that IT IS WELL, I dare say and even believe it will be well. But we know He who is in charge. We know He who writes the end of the story. WE know HE who we have faith in.

WE MAY NOT FEEL LIKE IT IS WELL WITH OUR SOUL BUT WE KNOW HE WHO HOLDS OUR SOUL IN HIS HANDS.

I can be unsure of what the future holds because the future doesn’t rely on what my soul rest on(thank goodness) but it is completely in His hands. 

I can sing it is well with my soul because i am in/with Jesus. I may not believe/see it fully but i know in faith my soul is safe even when nothing else seems to be safe. 

I can sit and cry with my toddler when she wants to go to her grandparent’s house Now! And doesn’t understand that that’s not possible and it still be well with soul.

I can be struggling, feeling broken, and insecure and know that it is well with my soul because the Spirit of the living God is inside me and will cover all my lack and will move me into the right direction. 

When I stand before the Father (and we all will one day), He will look at me and say "well done my good and faithful servant" and welcome me in and it won't be based on how easy and how well i handled life on earth. It won't be based on how smart i was, how thin i was, how good of a scholar i was, how good of a wife and mom i was or friend or house keeper. He will look at me and see the blood of Jesus that covered all i wasn't.  

It. Is. Well. With. My. Soul.

I don’t feel like I have any great revelation in season, matter of fact I feel like the more I grow in the Lord and the longer i’m at this being a child of God thing the more I realize I do not know, the less I am sure of a set of morals, man made ideas or rules and standards and the more I realize it is only by Him are we saved not of ANY works of man. 

I can stand here though and say, “Man, sometimes i’m not ok, and its ok”.  I have the deep Presence of Jesus in my spirit man. I may need to sit and just be low and quiet for awhile but you know what-HE is with me.

He is sitting with me whether my soul can sing in faith that it is well or if my flesh and mind doubt it will ever be again.  

It is well with my soul because Jesus not because I have my mind, will, and (sure as heck don’t have) my emotions under control. 

I hope you all know that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother(or sister, mother, or father). That He loves you exactly where you are and is ready to take you all in-The whole mess of you. He came to save and to bring peace and healing and joy in the midst of hard and turmoil. He came to soothe your heart when it feels broken. He came to sit with you exactly where you are at and help you find peace. It’s only in Him, by Him, and through Him you will find rest and faith to truly sing IT IS weak with my soul. 

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Life in the mountains-6 month update

I look into the hills from where my help come from. My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.

For some reason or another the American Christian message has gotten the idea that walking with Jesus will bring prosperity and freedom from all troubles. I have even caught myself at times questioning my faith and/or walk with the Lord because of hard things we went through in seasons. 

Was the Favor of the Lord not with me? Why did He ask me to go through hard things and not others? Did He love this person or these people more because life seemed to be easier for them? Were they more righteous? They seem to have the favor of man more than me, am I not chosen?

Have you ever questioned the Love of the Lord over you because of your circumstances?

The belief that if we follow and obey Jesus, everything should be easy is such a lie from the enemy. A lie that our culture seems to set us up to believe. 

Every single one of the 12 disciples were tortured and/or killed for their faith. And they literally physically walked side by side with Jesus the Messiah. Yet still somehow in hard times I have doubt that tries to creep in. Oh {me} of little faith…

If you are reading this you know that the Lord called the Vandenberg’s to Idaho. We took a trip in January 2022 to scout out and basically pray through the state. We felt stirring toward the panhandle area and began prayerfully looking for a place to call home. It came with lots of surrender and tears and prayer. This all was incredibly overwhelming. The market prices had skyrocketed everywhere but in Idaho it was triple the prices of where we currently lived. Our funds wouldn’t go near as far in Idaho as they would in Kansas. That was a hard pill to swallow. We looked for months, put bids into several places only to lose them to someone who put in full asking prices(which we did as well) and then add in a ridiculous amounts in escalation clauses. Which is like saying “hey, I’ll pay you what you want and then $20,000-$100,000 extra”. It was hard. This happened for months and months as we waited upon and prayed to the Lord.

Then there was a property that came up on Saint Maries River Road, Saint Maries, ID. It was a stretch for our budget and was a little bit further south than where we were looking but checked all our boxes. We decided to wait on the Lord (which felt risky with things flying off the market within days and sometimes hours after being listed)and pray. We began praying expecting to see it pending before we ever got a chance to put a bid in. But then after a week or so, Ryan had a dream about standing in this specific house with an indescribable Spirit filled peace and rest flooding over him. So after praying for a couple weeks, we bit the bullet and tried yet again and put in an offer. And; Within a couple days we got on contract! 

Ryan and I took a trip to go and check it out in person and for the week leading up to that trip I felt like sadness was following me everywhere I went. I just kept thinking of the movie Inside Out. The story is about a girl dealing with big emotions and each of those emotions having a person/animated character. The character Sadness was following me everywhere I went.  I still wanted to go and obey but I think the reality of moving our family halfway across country was starting to hit; and I was counting the cost. We weren't leaving in hopes of a better life, we were leaving an incredible body and a home where the church had become family. We were moving in obedience and sometimes obedience can be hard. As we stepped into the vehicle to leave I heard the Lord whisper to me  “I said Goodness and Mercy will follow you not sadness”.

I don’t always listen to that still small voice but it was such a comfort to me as we drove out of El Dorado, KS.

Moving forward, That trip sucked!!! We had so much trouble and so much warfare. We got to Saint Maries, Idaho and drive through the town and I am sobbing at this point and tell Ryan I can’t do it. It is just too much and too hard. I mean, Jesus will love me anyways, right? We drove through the town first and then went to the property. Miraculously as soon as I stepped foot onto the property my heart shifted from mourning to not just peace but to pure Joy! Only Jesus can do that!

Fast forward and we’re surrounded by such an out pouring of love from the body in Kansas. From helping packing, loading trucks, cleaning, meals brought, gifts, treats, offerings, going away parties, and more. It was all so much and daily we were loved on and blessed by the body of Jesus. 

The Lord used that last month and spoke to us in testimony of the time we spent in Kansas. It is such a valuable part of our story. What a gift and we are so thankful that the body of Christ stays family forever. 

We headed out for the long journey of moving our family of 9 half way across the US. We had two trucks pulling trailers, two 26 foot Penskes, and my van also pulling a trailer (not to mention 6 adults, 7 kids, 3 cats, 2 guinea pigs, a lizard and large dog.) Honorary mention to my SIL and brother for doing an excellent job and volunteering their vacation to drive those giant moving trucks! We made it in 3 long days. We were planning to sign papers when we got to Idaho to close but then things started falling apart. I won’t go into details but all stops were put on the closing. Not because of our side but some unsettled issues with property boundaries. We had just spent months preparing, hauled our family and all our belongings across the country and had no home. Thankfully we were allowed to unload our trucks on the property but were not given written permission to stay. We scrambled at about 9pm at night to find a place for us all to sleep. The next couple days were spent unloading all our stuff and getting animals settled and going back to the airbnb where we were sleeping, exhausted. We spent Thursday morning finishing unloading the last Penske and then took them to the drop off location(a little over an hour away). We also were saying our goodbyes to my Mom and Dad and brother and sister in-law (who were flying back).

  I am not sure i can explain the grief I felt. I couldn’t eat at all that day. I had been choking back sobs all morning knowing that we would be saying goodbye to family and wouldn’t see them for a long time. My chest hurt from keeping it all in and trying not to lose it. When we said goodbye and drove away Ryan had to stop because I thought I was going to be sick.  The goodbyes are always hard but knowing we had no place to call home and leaving everyone who has loved and cared for us to remain in what felt like being dropped in the middle of the forest with no where to sleep was too much. I sobbed the entire rest of the day. Our realtor who has worked so hard for us contacted Ryan and had gotten us another couple nights in the airbnb which was such a blessing but we still had no clue when we would finally be able to close. We couldn’t afford to just keep staying in hotels or airbnbs until it all got settled—which was looking like it could possibly drag on for weeks. We went to bed heavy hearted; I went to bed sobbing. 

It was rough. I thought about Jesus a lot, about how He had to say goodbye to His mamma too; and HE did it for me! How Jesus didn’t have a pillow to lay His head on either. HE did it all to save me! I knew Jesus was worthy and I wanted to trust and follow Him.. We knew we were called to Idaho. Why was it so hard? 

The next morning we called all the kids together to spend some time praying and surrendering it all to the Lord…Ryan talked about how the Lord allows us to go through things that are too much for us to carry on our own so that we will learn to depend fully on Him. I still had been unable to eat from fear, surrendering, grief, pain, heartache… all the things. I felt numb. I was repenting constantly in my heart for my lack of faith and asking for help to believe; but I couldn’t shake off the despair. We literally didn’t know where we would live and where our kids would sleep in the foreseeable future. We all gathered and prayed for a miracle. Ryan and I both just so heavy and tearfully pouring it all out before God and trying to be strong for our kids. After prayer we decided to go to the property for bit and just walk around and pray. As we began to walk, Peace slowly started pouring into our hearts—even though we didn’t see an end or any solution we could accomplish on our own. We were there for about 45 minutes and we got a message from our realtor that we should be able to sign today. Guys, this was a miracle! WE spent hours talking with neighbors but there was history between the neighbors going back decades. It was looking like it could be weeks or even longer until both parties settled allowing us too close. The fact that all parties involved signed the necessary documents that day was truly a miracle. We were able to get in last minute and sign our closing documents. The sellers realtor came up to us afterward and gave us a financial gift, she said it was to help us “feed our kids”. This stuff doesn’t just happen. HE loves us through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But then….. Well, I wish we could say that all was well from there. I actually wrote this 6 months ago and am just now getting back to finish and update it-here is the “fill in the gaps” update

Somehow we signed closing documents, got copies and were set to start settling into our new home when everything was put on hold…

We were already halfway moved in and had to stop. We were staying in an airbnb. We were not sure what was going to happen. There was finally an agreement to let us have early occupancy; But it was over a month after we dragged our life, kids, and everything we knew across the country before we were able close on a house. There was so many days that we went through grief, anger, fear, trust, hope, and back again. I have never cried more in my life. We HAD TO die daily.  It was brutal. At one point I sat in the title company’s office, sobbing as I told the agent I didn’t know where my kids would sleep that night. But every step of the way the Lord provided for us. We had to go through Egypt to get to the promised land. And Egypt and that wilderness were hard. It cost us thousands more; thousands of dollars, thousands of tears, thousands of prayers; But He never runs out on us. He never gives up on us. He never leaves us. He never forsakes us. HE is faithful. He provides. HE is GOOD. 

The enemy has warred with plenty of attack since we’ve been here. He has tried to go after our home, our name, and our health. BUT WE STAND WITH THE KING of KINGS! God has never left us; and as much as the enemy attacked, GOD has sent revival and moved even more. HE already has conquered all. 

Through a series of events and divine appointments we almost immediately were met with a couple families who were hungry for Jesus and waiting for His gathering of the body. It was like Jesus was saying, “look and see what I have planned!’ We didn’t have to advertise or go looking for church. He brought the church to us. We started house church a couple months ago and it was like out hearts went from mourning to gladness. PURPOSE. We knew we were where we were supposed to be. He filled in the gaps. HE has a plan. He is here.

Guys we went through the hardest things we have ever been through but we were able to feel the Presence of God and see miracles and love in the midst of the hard. I know that there will be gold come forth from every tear we cried. 

I seen a quote the other day, It said-

“Make our Peace greater than our Pain so that our lives can glorify the Father like never before!”

This has been my prayer as we miss our families and friends and count the cost of our changing season and lives.

The Lord will turn your mourning into gladness but sometimes the Lord chooses to sit with us through it for a while. It’s not always gonna be roses and butterflies, double portions of favor, prosperity and or sugar coated favor from the world—sometimes it’s pain and sorrow that we have to walk through to receive the great gift of goodness and mercy on the other side.  But the Lord will sit with us through it all comforting us and loving us even when we struggle with doubts and fears. Jesus endured the cross for the Joy that was set before Him. That Joy was being with the Father and fulfilling His purpose. Not to have an easier life. The Joy of being with the Father is set before us all. Praying we learn as a body to endure for the JOY that is set before us!

I pray you all know the depths of the Father’s love for you whether you are standing on the mountain tops or sitting with Him in valley where it feels like the shadows will overtake you…

HE IS WITH YOU!

Surrender

                                                       SURRENDER

I have been pondering lately about how surrender can come in waves. 

It is a minute by minute, day by day, week by week of letting go and giving it back to Jesus when a fresh wave comes and knocks us off our feet and our flesh wants to pick it back up and we have to surrender again what we have given to Him.

We surrender our flesh and let Jesus take over after failing and falling

We surrender our souls to the Savior over and over again when that battle that pulls and tugs us tosses us off our feet

We surrender our will to His when it is scary and we want to do what seems safe and easy

We surrender fears to him even though the world and the enemy scream hopelessness to us 

We surrender our doubts, crises, family, unknowns, hopes, failures, dreams, finances, marriage, and all things in between

We surrender as we wait and give up all, recklessly abandoning all our comfort and ease of walking in our own wisdom and timing and what makes since to this age

 

We surrender in the wait

I have found that waiting on Jesus can be one of the hardest things to surrender. It’s not the not knowing IF He will come through, it’s the not knowing how and when that will be; of what we will have to face in the unknown while we wait.  Do you think that is why there are such verses about waiting for us to cling to? Did Jesus know 2000+ years ago that we would have a hard time. Did He know my impatience and frustration for not having the road clearly highlighted before us even as HE willingly laid down all for us.
Did He know in my weakness that I would be frustrated because I said Yes to Him and then I had to wait? Did He know I was so stinking weak? 

Yes, He knew. 

Will He waste it-the waiting? 

No-He will build, refine, and strengthen me in the midst.

Will I forget this and double fist chocolate chips in my mouth out of stress-um..yeah

BUT He will love me anyways…even if my pants get a little tight or I become hormotional and get a little yelly…

I will SURRENDER and come back to Jesus and give Him the weight I’m trying to bare on my own.. 

You see, I know that HE is a good Father and is always waiting with open arms to envelope me in the best and biggest daddy hug there is, If only I surrender and choose to wait on Him instead of making a mess on my own. 

There is so much surrender that comes in waiting but there are so many promises that come too

“Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint .”

                        Why is waiting so hard? Why is it so hard to Be Still?

                      Are you waiting? Surrendering? Eating chocolate by the fistfull?

Jesus, teach us to be still and wait on you. Not just for a miracle or a word or even deliverance. But let us be still and wait because you are so much better than all else. Your presence is better than all the good things you bring. King Jesus, we wait and sit at your feet because we don't want to be anywhere else but in Your Love and Presence. ALmighty God, you are worth it all-the good, the hard, and the wait.

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusted in Thee!”

Lord, stay our mind on Thee-no matter the season, hard, beating waves, gas prices, or tantrum toddlers. Your name is Peace and may Your name be always on our lips.

Idaho update-

In case you missed the theme in season- We are waiting. hahaha

We have just finished our house that we live in(besides a few touch ups when we move out. HELLO 7 kids) and have been watching the market in the northern panhandle region that we feel stirred toward.  The Lord has made some amazing connections to parts of the body and to people who have the same heart and call as us. We’ve had many words of encouragement and pictures and promises shared to us by the body we are around now. 

So we are taking all these words and encouragements and writing them on our hearts as we WAIT and SURRENDER for the Lord and trust His provisions. We have watched the market and even put bids on a few places but every time have kept our hands open to Him. We want more than anything what He wants for us.  He has protected us thus far. Ryan finishes his last job here sometime the end of July/beginning of August. So our plan is if nothing comes up before then to just drag our camper across the country and live in it until we get a place.

A few prayer request:

-That we would trust Jesus in the waiting. We are ready to go but not knowing if we are going to be living in a camper, a shack, or a house has been kinda nerve racking. The market is about 2-3x more expensive there than here.  So we are starting from the bottom but feel so blessed that we can start at all. He w
ill provide and He is worthy.  We just want to say “here am i, send me” but kinda feel like we need a place to land especially with our Circus following along.  Idaho doesn’t know what’s coming. 

-Our kids. I know that we are all counting the cost. One of the hardest things for me has been trusting Jesus to fill in the gap for our children and all they are leaving behind. They are a part of an incredible group of youth and body that they’ve grownup with, known, and loved all of their lives. Gosh I love these kids—Kids who love Jesus are such a sweet and pure picture of the body. Prayers for them as they walk out these transitions and grow in Jesus in their surrender. 

-Ryan is turning down jobs left and right here because we know the Lord has told us to move. He will be building the business from the ground up in Idaho(Lord willing) to support our family and ministry. This is like a crazy trust exercise. Prayers for provision, wisdom, and placement in this but we know God will work it all out for our good! He has gone before us. He is worthy.