Crazy how these three things have become such a big part of my life.
When we moved to North Idaho a few years back I needed to establish care with a new doctor. I have Hashimotos which is an autoimmune disease and regularly get my blood checked to make sure my numbers are stable, so finding a doctor was a priority for me. When establishing new care the doctors always do a thorough check up.
While listening to my heart my new primary told me I have pretty significant murmur and since it is on a major valve she wanted to get it checked out. I had been told a couple times during pregnancy that I had a pregnancy murmur. I guess you can get them when pregnant because your heart is working so much harder but it”s not usually a real concern and they resolve themselves after babies.
I went to have an echo done and never heard anything back. So I assumed everything was ok.
Well..you know what they say about assuming, don’t ya……
I think it was like 7+ months later when I went in for just a routine visit for labs for Hashimotos. And I mention I never heard anything back from that Echo so I guess everything was fine.
My doctor just looked at me and told me she couldn’t find any evidence that I had it done in my file. They finally find the results and tell me that I am not fine. That the echo 7+months ago showed significant damage to aortic valve and I am in moderate stage heart disease and I have to go see a cardiologist asap.
I’m in shock. The whole world stops for a minute. I remember I was having our first “high tea” with my big girls what we call our devotion and prayer meeting when I got the call.
All I knew was that a scan 7+ months ago showed that my heart was moderately damaged.
So what was it now? Was I going to drop dead any minute. I immediately called and scheduled with a cardiologist but it was a 3 and half week wait to get in.
I just remember those 3 weeks being afraid constantly that I was leaving my husband and 7 kids. I was riding at one point with my 3 bigs and everyone was laughing.(teenagers are amazing. Ours are hilarious and so fun to be with) I just all of a sudden thought how long do I have with them? I don’t want to leave this.
I know, super dramatic, but it was moments like this that happened continually for those 3 weeks of waiting. I cried and prayed often, I had people pray over me and felt ministered to but I still had to walk this out and that was a lot.
I finally met with the cardiologist and he is baffled. My heart is functioning well and my numbers are all good on blood test They do an EKG. Why is my heart showing signs of damage? He ordered a second echo(ultrasound on my heart) and this time he can see that I have what is called a bicuspid aortic valve. Where they are supposed to be 3 flaps there are 2. Two of the flaps are sealed together. This causes my aortic valve to not get a properl seal and causes back flow of blood which causes stenosis(damage).
But the good news with the new echo (that was a better scan) my score went from moderate to mild. It’s mild, moderate, and then severe. Mild is watch, moderate is watch closer, and severe is immediate open heart surgery to replace the valve.
This was my 39th birthday when I found out.
I just recently went back (it just happened to fall on my 40th birthday week=) for my year check up and had a new echo and my condition is stable. He said unless I have any symptoms I don’t have to come back for 3 years.
That my heart valve is at the stage of 50 year olds [ouch!] and that I will need open heart surgery in 10-15 years to replace it. Cool cool cool cool cool
This is a genetic heart defect that I’ve had since birth and he was very reassuring that it was not my fault.
I’m still amazed after 7 kids and 39 years no one noticed. But I also am so thankful that the Lord knew and I’m not sure I would have had or been advised to have so many kids if I knew earlier. Pregnancy is hard on your heart.
God knew. He held me. He kept my heart beating.
If anyone asked me what I got for my birthday all of last year I would have told them heart disease. 😂🤦🏼♀️ This year I might say a 50 year old heart.
So for the past year, I, in my anti-diet culture self have just strived to be a strong mom and been in a cycle of trying to be faithful with building muscle, strength, and cardio endurance. I know myself well enough to know I can’t focus on diets or scales (I don’t even have one) or how I look but it needs to be on how I feel in obedience. I will never be tiny. If I may say “baby got back” but my husband likes it. I just want to feel strong and be strong for kids and grandkids someday.
I have a really good friend who had a brilliant idea of buying a sticker by number book. So every time you work out, or go for a walk, or hike, bike, kayak, etc; you get to put a sticker on. When you finish a page you can frame it and put it on the wall.
She bought both of us one.
I must still be in elementary school with my 50 Year old heart because I am highly motivated by stickers. I’m on my fourth page now and it will hang next to these.
I’ve not been able to tell in the way I look but by walking in faithfulness and obedience I’m beginning to feel stronger and better.
I highly recommend getting your self a sticker book if you are motivated like a child. Haha
I share this because I was thinking about it and laughing (like I often do) at myself and how I love adding stickers to my chart and it just hit me how being a disciple of Jesus can be similar.
The blood of Jesus has paid the price for our sins. We are sealed with the Holy Spirit as the bride of Christ. And no matter how we fail or what we don’t accomplish, God doesn’t come peal off our stickers of accomplishments. He loves us and is so proud of us and our “sticker page” whether 5 stickers or 50--it's all His reward because of His blood.
But hear me out disciples of Jesus. We get to choose the picture we make here. This isn’t a works based ideology. Our price and sanctification comes from the blood. But the choices we make on earth will testify with how beautiful the picture is here.
Ex: I spend time in the word and prayer because I love Jesus and it helps me everyday to give my day to him; it makes my day more beautiful, not always easy but beautiful. But when I don’t give my days to Him and only live for myself it doesn’t mean I’m loved less. It just means that I see less beauty, peace, and joy.
Or if Ryan comes home from work and just checks out on his phone and isn't present to spend time with family that day, It doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good dad. He is still loves us and is an amazing dad and husband but he misses the beauty of that picture (or sticker) that day.
We get to choose what the picture of our life is; what we invest our time and attention to; what we love the most; or what it looks like as a disciple of Jesus. He has redeemed us and we choose Jesus everyday because our life is better when we do. Our picture is glorifying to Him. We get to be a part of creating a beautiful picture in Him.
But he doesn’t punish us or take a sticker away when we fail.
And We will fail.
I’m so thankful that Jesus doesn’t peal away my stickers when I fall. I’m so thankful he doesn’t peal away my stickers when I’m grumpy, disobey, gain a pound, or check out. He sees the full picture of His life for me when He sees me. And I want to live everyday for Him so I can see glimpses of that beauty along the way.
My goal in life isn’t just a sticker page filled with stickers; it is to live a life with Eyes Wide Open and a heart that is a little broken but held by the Father. I want to see His goodness everyday. I want to be a beautiful picture and a sweet aroma to the King. I want Presence and to be present to see it; and be a paintbrush in the hand of the most magnificent artist.
