Well, here I am sitting in labs waiting to draw blood for my glucose test after drinking the nasty fruit punch flavored syrup. Almost 30 weeks with #5... 5! How does that happen, well I know how it happened but can't believe we are fixing to have 5 little blessings from the Lord. How'd I deserve this, how did God see me capable of walking out 'mommy' to this many gifts. I was reading my daily proverbs(chapter 14 for June 14) and came across verse 4-''Where there are no oxen the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox." Ha! It's a good thing thing that a clean crib is not a requirement to keep your oxen, we all know I wouldn't pass that test if it was.:) I don't think my crib has been clean in 7 years. 😅 But what stands out today is the ' abundant crops come by strength of the ox.' You see folks, I'm a rat tailed mess. After 4 kids I remember going through the 'I have no ability whatsoever to do this on my own' phase. It was a hard humbling season of being brought low to a new level and learning to look up and let God help me. He did help me and I began to get my feet under me and walk life with being a momma of 4. .... Well then this little thanksgiving surprise came along.(we have so much to be thankful for.😜 ) and well, let's just say we are still relishing in some 'shock and awe' of it all. There was seismic shift that occurred in this pregnancy that is different than the others though.... Guys, I've seemed to loose all control of my hormones. I mean, pregnancy is not a new thing for me but this seemed like a whole new ball game. My hormones were and are still at times so incredibly unpredictable and indecisive that I would even take myself by surprise at times. I could go from laughing to crying in 1 second flat, from sweet angel to raging demon in .5 seconds flat. It was bad guys. Ask Ryan or better yet maybe ya'll should gather around him and pray for his safety and endurance.... No. Joke. Start a support group, card shower or something... About mid trimester I started to get into this dark place of depression... Listen, I'm no spring chicken Christian, I've been at this for a while and the stuff that was coming out of me was ugly, folks, real ugly. I began to question my walk with Him and doubt the place the Lord had me in. My thoughts and prayers were like this, "Lord, how can I be so wretched, shouldn't I be pass this stuff in my life. How evil is my heart, Jesus?" I muddled in this for a long while ...about half of my pregnancy until I heard a simple quote from a sermon. The preacher was talking about struggling with his mess and crying out to God. And the Lord revealed to Him (paraphrase)-"brother, your floor is clean, I'm just digging into those dark corners where the dust bunnies and cob webs hide. I'm using this obvious weakness in you to clean those dark spots that are hidden." Wow. Breath. of. fresh. air. The Lord sweetly hugged me right then and there. He wasn't ashamed of me for where I was and all the ugly that was coming out in my weakness.. He was using this weakness to draw out hidden areas in my heart. Those things that I was able to restrain or repress on a normal basis were bubbling out when I was at my weakest point. He somehow gave me the grace to shift from a place of feeling like I deserved rejection and shame to a place of having the ability and grace to thank Him for this weak season to use to sweep out those cobwebs in the corners.
So when you' feel broken and humbled by your mess of self take the time to shift to a place of thankfulness, believing that God is powerful in your weakness. Mind you, sin is still sin and we need to have repentant hearts but to be able to take the focus off how wretched we are and how mighty He is and you will find strength and grace to walk more intimately with Him. Oh, He is good, friends.
I had a friend share with me in this same season of how it felt like she was just trudging through the muck, staring at her feet. Isn't that how motherhood feels sometimes? I can so relate to this. I Find myself so easily getting caught up in the 'never getting caught up', just trudging through that mucky place of life. Trying to get ahead of the laundry and seeking to sow seeds into my children and not always seeing fruit. I heard a sister share a word she had received the other day when she felt like it was all just a waste of time. Her word was the Lord asking her "Would you be willing to sow seeds in a barren field and walk away, trusting Me to be the one who grows it?" WOW! Whether your fruit basket is full of weeds you are picking or the fruits of your sowing and God growing, take heart that the Lord is the one who breathes life into any living thing. (I sometimes feel that raising/growing disciples in kids is 93% pulling weeds and 7% sowing seeds=) I wonder if God feels the same sometimes....
I'm weak folks. I'd rather sit in my pjs all day, drink coffee and hide in my corner(with chocolate) than to have life, deal with kids and for goodness sakes clean anything. I want to take naps all day. I shut down about 8 o'clock every night and want to speak to no one and just sit in a bubble bath and then go straight to bed. My kids understand and can use correctly the phrase "hormones out the wazoo". The list can go on and on but for the sake of time and humility I'll stop there;). I just want to encourage you all out there, if you are feeling at your weakest or at your strongest or even somewhere in-between: GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE OR ANY LESS BASED ON HOW GOOD YOU ARE. HE LOVES YOU THE SAME AND SEES YOU AND IS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO LET HIM CLOAK YOU IN LOVE. It wasn't till I let the Lord free me from guilt from the enemy that i was able to get passed these struggles and weaknesses. I'm so thankful now for the opportunity to be weak, I'm so thankful that He keeps me close to Him and keeps me reminded that I need Him. He is good, He is good and His love it never fails.
*The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you maintain my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, i have a beautiful inheritance.-psalm 16:5&6
If I have any encouragement to you its to let go of the struggle of being weak and let his strength keep you and guide you, have faith to keep sowing those seeds even in your weaknesses and trust Him to bring fruit and to maintain those fields. Who knows how many seeds are being sown into your heart at the same time....God is never dormant, He is always working, because HE IS GOOD.
{Hugs} from our circus to yours! Love you all. May the Lord bless your socks off!
